Jack Layton's last letter to Canadians

If you haven't already... please read Jack Layton's last letter to Canadians. It is so heartwarming, and inspiring. Rest in Peace, Jack. May the angels lead you home..

Jack Layton's last letter to Canadians - Politics - CBC News

If I'm not over you...

I've had a lot of time on my hands these last few weeks; time to think about what matters.. I don't want to ever leave this earth knowing that a piece of my heart was saved for someone. As you get older, I don't think you ever forget the undying love you had for someone; it's just like losing someone.. you learn to accept that's not the path your life is taking. Well, what if I don't want to wait to tell this person that what I feel for them is real. Between my weakness and my fears.. lies you.

I am petrified that this life will end, and he will go on the rest of his life not knowing how I truly feel. We all know that I am terrified of what this surgery will bring.. it's no secret. I know what it's like to lay in bed at night and dream of what could be.. When I'm around him, my heart skips a beat.. he takes my breath away. I never even knew that was possible... I thought it was lines meant for movies, I never knew it actually existed. I have never known a connection so deep, the kind where speaking does no justice.

Just incase I never get to tell you how I truly feel... keep this with you and never forget it..

I've lived my life, believing in fairytales; the ones they talk about in story books. When I was a little girl, I grew up believing that we were all meant for someone.. Call me crazy, but you light up my life. When I lay in bed, i dream of you.. the idea of you makes all the crazy stuff worthwhile. People always say, you can't miss something you've never had... Wrong. I miss you. Every day of my life, I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you, I miss everything about you.

We go through life being told everything we can't do... Let me be the one to tell you everything you CAN do.. you may not see it, but.. you're kind, and funny, and smart, and unique; you are truly an extraordinary person and you don't even know it yet.. Everything you've ever wanted in life; it's possible.. your life doesn't have to be so hard, I promise you. There is so much I want to say to you, that a letter in my blog would just not suffice.

I promise you, that when I make it through all of this; I will tell you how I feel. I want to kiss you more than anything in this world, I want to tell you how amazing you truly are. I want to lay beside you, and never let go. If, by any stretch of the imagination, you're reading this.. I want to show you what it feels like to feel safe inside me.. What ever you are going through right now.. it will get better, i promise you. I usually don't make so many promises... but with you, it feels warranted.

I hope that one day, I can tell you what you truly mean to me..

Love, always.


Until next time,
xo

It was not too long ago that I sat at my computer, distraught over what I thought would be the loss of my beautiful baby dog, Chels. I have learned a big lesson throughout all of this... would you like to know what that is? Well.. I'll let you figure that out as I go along. I was so distraught about losing such an important part of my family, that I forgot to remember.. I'm living through something that hasn't even happened yet. It's been a little bit since that night I spent on the computer, paying tribute to Chelsea.. when, in actuality; she wasn't even gone, yet. I think it's been just over a week since my last post, and Chels is still here with us! I couldn't be happier to say that she weathered the storm. We have a little joke in our family.. well, I'm usually the only one that says it BUT nonetheless, it's a joke... I like to call her our little train that could... every time she seems to be going downhill, fast.. she somehow picks herself up and continues to keep treckin'. I would be lying if i said I wasn't scared.. take a look at my last post and you will see JUST how scared I was..

I know what some of you are thinking... but I also know, that the majority who are thinking it are the ones who don't own a family pet. I know the thought can be hard to grasp.. "how could you possibly be so torn up about a pet? It's not like it's someone from your family!" Wrong. She is most definitely part of my family.. All those sleepless nights I've stayed up crying because I just can't bare the thought of spending another second in pain; she's been there.. On christmas morning, when I was 6 years old and my parents were too tired to wake up and open presents; she was there.. When I didn't want to eat my food but was too afraid to tell my parents their recipe was bad (LOL); she was there.. for every pivotal moment in my life; she was there. You may not understand, and I certainly don't expect you to, but what I'm trying to get at is - she is a part of my family, a part of my life, a part of who i am today. Chelsea has taught me how to love, how to be patient, and how to be kind.. there is no greater feeling than looking at someone who you have been with for 17 years, and know that not ONCE did they ever leave your side or abandon you; she has been a constant in my life. Before I start to tear up again, I'm going to change the subject because I don't quite feel like being a blubbary mess :p

The point of this blog today, if you haven't already figured it out... is to live life, not in the past, nor in the future - live for right now! All of the time that I spent worrying about THAT day being her last, well... she's had yet another 2 weeks on her side. The time we spend worrying about something, will take up the time for you to REALLY do something with your life.. tell someone how you feel about them, before it's too late.. go on that family trip you've always wanted to take.. make moments in your life.. because it's those moments that you will remember; all that time wasted on worry's that haven't even happened yet. It's a beautiful way to live if you ask me :) Whether you take something away from this or not, at least I know that I have learned a valuable lesson in life and will continue to tell ANYONE who will listen!

Until next time,
xo

Saying "Goodbye" to childhood..

This is a very hard blog for me to post. I wad debating whether or not to even post this but I felt as though it might be therapeutic for me to write. I have been trying for a while now to put off even having to say this out loud but I feel as though I can't really ignore the reality of what my family and I have been going through. Before I get into any of the details.. let me take you back 17 years ago this October.

I was 5 years years old, and we had just welcomed my baby brother into the world. Life was pretty perfect for my parents and I.. a year prior, I had prayed to God that my mom would have a little baby.. and unlike most, I prayed for a baby brother. Well, I got my wish.. November 3rd 1993, my baby brother, Scott was born. We had the little family you dream about having when you're a little girl growing up in your mothers shadow; watching her put on her makeup, watching my dad put on his suit.. it wasn't before long, however, that my parents decided to truly make our family complete! It was a surprise right before Halloween. I remember it so clearly, as if it were yesterday.. My parents decided to surprise my brother and I with a trip to the Toronto Humane Society! We were thrilled.. finally a puppy of our own! I remember walking through the halls, looking at all of the animals without a home. I recall feeling so sad that we couldn't take all of them with us.. How could we ever pick just ONE! I distinctly remember asking my mom, how will we know which one is ours? What if we make a mistake?

That was of course, until I saw my beautiful Chelsea.. Her name at the time, was Rita. I recall thinking to myself, "I can't wait until we bring her home so we can change her name!!" She was a beautiful mix; part beagle, part german sheppard. She was wagging her tail so hard, as if it were going out of style! It was love at first sight for us.. and love at first sniff for her (LOL) sorry, i had to! The entire family decided that she was the one for us; she was my new baby sister. At 6 months old, she was energetic, and loveable, and could not stop kissing us! The excitement of the day finally ran dry when we learned we couldn't take her home right away.. of course as kids, you always want everything when YOU want it! After some shed tears, and broken hearts.. we left her. It was on our way home that we learned what a huge impact we were about to make on her life. My parents were always honest with us about how rough she had it before she found us. Personally, I would like to think that those first 6 months of life, she doesn't even recall anymore. Apparently, the humane society found her wandering inbetween the alley ways in downtown Toronto, god knows where she had come from. All i knew, was that she was NOT going to live like that ANYMORE!! Scott and I were told that we would have to wait a week to pick up our new baby sister.. and of course, we could not count the days fast enough; it was better than christmas morning! Finally, one day after school.. my friend's mom picked us up at the bus and said that my mom had to work late so she would be watching me (this was not uncommon, I frequently went to their house after school anyways.. After hours of waiting, and asking when my mommy would come and get me; the doorbell rang! I didn't know it than... but my life would be changed, forever.. and I would not take back one bit! Standing at the bottom of the stairs, was my beautiful sister!! I screamed at the top of my lungs, and started jumping up and down.. it had not been a week, it had only been about 2 days!

I was given the opportunity to name her.. don't ask me where I came up with it because I have no idea! It just, fit. From that day on, i found the sister I never had; Chelsea.

That little girl was my childhood.. i cannot remember my life before her; she's always been here.. we went through teething on our tv remotes, to ripping up our couches in our first house. She was a rambunctious little girl, and as my brother and I grew.. so did she. We all grew up together; playing in the sandbox with her.. her doing all of the digging (LOL) my mom said it well tonight; our household would have been a very boring place if it wasn't for her! The years of camping we did; her splashing through the lake trying to beat us at swimming.. How about the way she used to lick your face off, regardless of how long she knew you. Us kids would always get yelled at for feeding her food at the table. I remember my dad used to say.. "if you feed her at the table, she will keep coming back for more, for as long as she lives! Well, he wasn't wrong with that statement.. HOWEVER, over the years.. it stopped being about the fuss of feeding her our food at the table, it became her taking part in our meal.. Every night at dinner, you would hear the pitter patter of her little footsies (or paws, shall is say) lol..

It seems as though, 7 years ago.. I lost what I thought was the piece to my childhood.. but in reality, I always had a part of it still with me.. Now, at almost 17 years old.. I will be losing my precious sister. She has slowly been declining over the last few months, and it seems as though we may have hit a road block. She has been having accidents in the house, not to mention she has lost control of her hind legs.. We are taking her to the vet tomorrow to see what he says, however we're preparing ourselves for the worst... I don't want to see her suffer; i just don't want to lose the only sister I have ever had..

To all of you animal lovers out there.. cherish every moment with your babies! Life is so damn short, so yeah.. feed them at the table!

I love you so much Chels <3


Until next time...
xo

A Tad Dazed..

Hi Everyone =)

I hope you're all having a wonderful weekend so far! I just wanted to pop by and let you know that I'm going to be taking the weekend off from blogging. It seems as though I'm in a really bad flare and I have no idea how long it's going to last *. .*
n
Not only has my intense exhaustion been an issue, my joints have been SO bad I've felt sick to my stomach all day long. Writing is proving to be a major problem, heck.. lying in bed is proving to be a major problem. Today especially, has been really rough. My walking has been really hard today so I've just been in bed watching movies and youtube all day.

I'm hoping to be back to my regular blogging by Monday.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!


Until next time...
xo

2nd Trimester???!

Well well.. don't you worry, this isn't a baby blog. I am so sorry I didn't post anything yesterday.. I don't know what has been wrong but I have just been SO darn tired.. It seems as though any chance I get, I'm sleeping! Before you say, well Steph.. maybe you're pregnant! Could that be why you're so tired? That, would be slightly impossible. I hope I don't need to get into too much detail but you are all very smart people!! For the last little while, it has kind of been impossible for me to enjoy anything - sex, included. Due to the fact that this mass has gotten so big.. it's actually taking up any kind of room, resulting in even tampons becoming horrendous! Everything's good here though.. I think I've been coping just fine.. After all, they say the imagination is the most powerful thing!

You're probably asking yourself then.. what do you mean second trimester? Well.. as you all know, I had my ultrasound yesterday (Tuesday) to check in on my mass. It was actually really neat to see, and kind of interesting. The ultrasound tech started off with a pelvic ultrasound, although for some reason I didn't have a full bladder. Surprisingly, i seemed to have learned a lot during this appointment. Usually, regardless of where i am.. I tend to enjoy interacting with people; asking questions, and learning new things. At first, this tech was a tad standoff-ish regarding my ultrasound and what she saw but over time she began to warm up to the fact that I already knew everything she was seeing. For those of you who have had a pelvic ultrasound, you should also know that your doctor usually orders two types depending on your age and whether or not you are sexually active. Due to the fact that this is a blog, and I decided early on that nothing gets held back.. I will do just that; hold NOTHING back! Maybe you have never had problems with your ovaries, or you've never been pregnant and you don't really know what to expect. Well, let me calm your fears! There are 2 types of ultrasound that your doctor may order pertaining to your ovaries. The first one is your basic-standard, pelvic ultrasound. You are usually asked to drink approximately 3, 8oz glasses of water 1 hour prior to your scheduled appointment to fill your bladder. The main reason they do this, is for a base line view of all your pelvic organs. The full bladder allows them to differentiate your bladder from your uterus, cervix, and reproductive organs. Something I learned at my appointment is that sometimes, the standard pelvic ultrasound can see more if there is a lot of obstruction from various abdominal organs; they usually see that in diseases such as, ovarian cancer. The 2nd type of ultrasound that can be done is called a transvaginal ultrasound. I know what you're probably thinking.. holy moly, that sounds scary! To tell you the truth, up until a few years ago, I was never able to get one and it always scared the crap out of me.. the thought that one day, I too, would have to use that as my method of ultrasound. I guess it's kind of like our fears of a pap.. when you explain what needs to be done, the entire procedure seems so daunting and terrifying. When, in reality.. sometimes our worries are worse than the procedure itself. A transvaginal ultrasound is in laments terms; a sterile wand, that is inserted through the vagina to see all of the organs close up. This type of ultrasound is a more accurate view for diagnosis of conditions such as ovarian cysts, tumors, fibroids, polycystic ovaries.. ect. You may experience a tad bit of pressure when the wand is inserted but really is not painful whatsoever. The ultrasound tech will place a condom on the wand, and it is always kept in a sterile solution in between patients. Lubrication is always applied to allow a pain-free ultrasound. Honestly, I have been having this type of ultrasound for awhile now, and I have had well over 100 of them because of all my ovarian problems and I am telling you, the only time you will feel any type of pain is if you have a large tumor or cyst. They can usually tell where the mass is, and try to avoid it.. but sometimes, by accident, the wand knocks into it and causes a sharp pain.. I will tell you though, if you have a good tech.. that will not happen. I promise you, that is the only time I have EVER felt any kind of pain.

As far as the results of my ultrasound.. I probably won't find that out until today or tomorrow, maybe even next week (I hope not though).. It was kind of funny actually.. when it comes to test results, I can be a real snoop! lol.. blame it on my family's years of medical background, and my interest in anything healthcare.. After I had emptied my bladder, and returned into the room to remove my pants for the transvaginal (don't worry, they put a sheet overtop of you!).. I was snooping at the picture that were previously taken with the standard ultrasound and what I saw, made my jaw drop! I immediately knew it was my mass because it was in the shape of a dumb-bell (you know those small weights you can work out with). As soon as the ultrasound tech came back, I said.. is that my tumor? She goes.. well, I can't really say.. but, you're a smart girl!! I was absolutely flabbergasted! This thing, was HUGE.. I couldn't get over the fact THAT was in my pelvis.. no wonder I have been feeling so sucky lately!! She immediately said to me.. I'm guessing you can't wait to get rid of your big friends! Oh my goodness.. you have no idea, I have been feeling EXTRA pregnant lately. It was actually kind of ironic, she says to me.. I wouldn't be surprised if you come from surgery and instantly drop the pounds... what a blessing that was to hear! She continued to show me how large it was (without giving away any measurements) and showed me the septations within it.. it was actually quite neat to see.

Now, considering this thing is making me feel like I'm in my 2nd trimester.. I thought I would compare symptoms! I have never actually done this, so it will be interesting to see how the two relate. As I'm sure you've probably already guessed.. I cannot wait to get this thing removed.

AND the countdown begins...

2nd Trimester Symptoms

- Body Aches ✓
- Breast Changes x
- Constipation ✓
- Dizziness x
- Fatigue/Sleep Problems ✓
- Heartburn & Indigestion ✓
- Hemorrhoids x
- Itching x
- Leg Cramps ✓
- Morning Sickness x
- Nasal Problems x
- Numb or Tingling hands ✓ (from the Lupus)
- Stretch marks ✓
- Swelling ✓
- Urinary Frequency ✓
- Varicose Veins x

Well.. there you have it! We're not all that different after all.. I wouldn't mind having bigger boobs though :p just kidding.. I'm quite content with what I have. Anywho, I thought that was interesting. I hope you are all having a wonderful end of the week.

Until next time...
xo

If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away .... I'd visit you, everyday ♥

I have been thinking a lot about heaven, and what that all means. I think it's a pretty good question to ask, don't you? What comes after all of this? Do we go somewhere filled with peace and happiness, or is this it? The scientific part of me says, how could there possibly be something more.. lucky for me though, the spiritual part of me is a lot stronger ;)

I went through a phase a few years ago, where church and God played an integral part of my life. I had a rosary in my car, i wore a cross around my neck, and i was protected by a beautiful pink rosary over my bed. That, however, was years ago.. and I'd like to think I grew up a little bit since all of that. Don't get me wrong, I think it's very important to have a strong faith, to believe in something BUT, who would I be to tell you what that is.. I think that religion and spirituality is something we all have to figure out for ourselves. I can't really say I'm much of a religious person nowadays.. I have my beliefs, and I have faith, but it's on more of a spiritual level. I think that's the most interesting part about growing up.. you figure things out about yourself that unlocks one more door to becoming the person you are meant to be. I feel very strongly however, about people who push their faith on others. I'm not going to name one denomination over another because I know that is not the case at all.. I think it all depends on the person. When I have children, I want them to figure it out for themselves; I want them to have the freedom to choose, the freedom to explore what they believe - i think that is SO important, it allows us to grow into individuals. It's actually quite funny how our views change over the years.. how different people we become based on the type of experiences we go through in life. When I was a little girl, I always knew I wanted to get married and have children. I was brought up in a family that placed church and god on a pedestal. My parents, not so much but definitely my extended family. I was brought up to believe that everyone got married in a church, in God's house. Whether it's because I'm Croatian, or just because europeans can be loud and obnoxious (LOL).. I was brought up to believe that weddings were a big festivity; something that had to be done, or else! As a young girl, I always knew that I wanted the BIG wedding, in a church, inviting everyone you know, and everyone who "knows" you. BOY, have things changed!! I am definitely not that same little girl.. Don't get me wrong, if that's what you want, or what you had.. all the more power to you! I just couldn't do it.. To me, God is a much more intimate subject.. With everything that I have had to go through, I have really grown to embrace my "unique" relationship with God. I don't go to church every weekend, actually.. I don't really go to church, ever. My personal beliefs are that, you don't need to go to church to feel close to God. I know it's different for everybody, but that is what works for me.. I feel closer to God laying on the grass, looking up at the sky and breathing in the beautiful air.. Now a days, I would be content getting married outside, in front of a small number of people.. that's my dream. Marriage, and unity is such an intimate experience, I don't believe you need your entire family there for it to matter.. call me old fashioned :p

If I had the choice, to create my own idea of heaven.. I would hope that everyone and anyone who has ever made a difference in your life.. is there to guide you when the time comes. I would hope that the transition between this world and heaven, would be that of growth and enlightenment. I've always said that if it were my way, I would spend eternity in my nana and papa jack's backyard, swimming in the pool and enjoying a massive family get together of those passed.. when I think of heaven, I think of tranquility.. I would want everyone to be there, being the age that they were happiest. There is this movie that I always go back to when I think of heaven and what it might be like, and that is "What Dreams May Come" with Robbin Williams.. time stops, children never grow up, heaven being what our idea of it was here on earth. Who knows if all of that exists.. I would like to think it does.. because this life that I have created, the people i have met, my family; they mean more to me than life itself and I would never want it any other way. Let's hope that I go through that when I'm old and grey with my husband and children by my side.

I can't say for certain that all of that exists, but i definitely know what I feel. Lately, I have been thinking about my Nana and Papa Jack. Maybe it's because I will be going in for surgery soon.. and that is always a scary thing. I don't really know.. I had found myself, for a while now, not thinking about them.. sometimes, it's much too hard remembering all of the times we had shared and how much our family dynamic has changed since they passed away.. Sometimes, when I'm laying in bed looking at the ceiling (which I do often! lol.. I like the tranquility of being alone).. I feel them around me, and that comforts me. It's strange.. when I had my hypertensive crisis a few years ago, I remember being taken off the ambulance into emerge and not being able to see my mom (who drove in the car behind us). I was terrified, I think it's the most scared I have ever been. I was lying on the gurney, hooked up to all of these devices and i had this feeling of calm come over me.. i started singing "don't sit under the apple tree" by the Andrews Sisters and "Qai Sera Sera" by Doris Day.. (those were 2 of my nana's favourite songs). I remember feeling them all around me, telling me that no matter what happened, everything was going to be okay.

Whatever comes after all of this.. I just hope it's beautiful, and I hope it's everything that people say it is.. how could it not be.. there are just WAY to many "coincidences" and miracles for there not to be...

Until next time...
xo

It's Going to be A...........

I found a really crazy video on youtube of a woman and her husband interacting with their baby... I want that!!!


Do you remember when you were a child, when you thought you knew everything about life. "NO, mommy! It's supposed to be like this *while throwing a fit*". Now a days, you probably look at your children and think "No, there is no way i ever did that! I was a good kid!" Well, I want the chance to compare the difference. There are so many things that we take for granted in a day; whether it's taking granted of the people we love, or taking for granted how easy some people can "just get pregnant".

I remember my gynaecologist telling me shortly after my last surgery, that whoever i ended up with, would have to know that it would be struggle to get pregnant. At the time, I think I was about 18 years old and having come to terms with the choice of removing my ovaries had been something that I had been dealing with for a very long time. It almost became something that I knew I had to do. At the time, I was still young.. thinking about marriage and children was not necessarily something that every 18 year old has to think about. Although from a young age I knew I wanted to get married and have children.. I never quite imagined that the decision of taking that away from me was even an option. You grow up as a kid playing house in your basement with your best friend, your cousin, your baby brother, and a neighbour; imagining this perfect life for yourself. Daddy goes to work, mommy stays home, mommy cooks and cleans, mom feeds baby and puts baby to bed until daddy gets home. As kids, our clarity on the world hasn't really hit it's peak. Look at it this way.. when i was playing dress-up in the front of my nana and papa jack's house; i never quite imagined that eventually, that aspect of my life would be taken away. I never dreamed that I wouldn't go to my senior prom, or graduate with my friends. All of the special, and at the time "important" things.. weren't so important anymore.

That old saying about lemons and lemonade is funny.. i think what it really means is; you go through life either accepting what you've been dealt, or trying to change it. Regardless of which way you go, we somehow always know how to shift into gears. When I was 15 years old and started getting sick, I always thought that was the extent of what i would be dealing with for the rest of my life. Until, something more important needs your attention and then somehow, you tune into gear once again. We're always dealing with something, those wheels are always changing.. and we're constantly having to make lemonade outta those lemons! Where it's Lupus, or now this mass.. I shift gears and get ready for this fight! Until the next day, and the next day when my strength is needed elsewhere.

My doctor has always told me to look at the world this way.. at least pertaining to pregnancy and having children. After all she is an OBGYN, that is kind of her job! I remember her telling me that sometimes god gives good people babies to care for, and sometimes god doesn't do so good in his judgement; but, either way, wouldn't you rather have the storm before the calm - you will have a miracle baby; a baby that you thank god for, every single day of your life. A baby that was truly, truly wanted that both it's mommy and daddy fought hard to have. You learn to appreciate things more, when they're not just handed to you.. I remember feeling so comforted with the knowledge that regardless how long it takes, or where it come from.. it was your miracle baby, something that you and your partner wanted more than anything in this world. It's amazing how, it doesn't matter what your religious background is, your ethnicity, your education, or even the colour of your skin.. when it comes to what we want in life, we will fight tooth and nail to get it. Trying to remain positive, even through adversity is one of the most important things. Like I've said before.. I'm not naive, never have been, never will be.. but what i do know is that through all of the hard, scary, painful, and heartwarming experiences i have gone through, staying positive and telling yourself that you have the strength to achieve your goals.. can only bring you closer. As far as I'm concerned, there are 2 types of people in this world. There are those who gravitate to a more positive way of thinking, and then there are those who gravitate to the negative way of thinking. I try, really really hard (and no it doesn't always work) but I try really hard to remain optimistic.. I have my days where i grieve, and feel like shutting down but then i remind myself how fortunate i am to be breathing and be alive.. i kind of give myself the kick in the butt that i need to look at life a little differently.

My source of strength will be those little blue booties, and the pink nursery hat. I'm planning on bringing them to the hospital with me to sit on my bedside table. That way, when I feel like giving up.. I look at those 2 things, and remember why I'm fighting so hard. I was telling my family how full circle it will be when I get to put them on my baby boy or girl.. it will signify all the heartache i had to endure before they could come into the world. I know for some, this might be totally cheesy but if you understood how much i adore children, and for how long I have wanted to have my own.. then maybe you would understand. Someone once told me that next to social work, i am meant to have children and raise them. I know being a social worker and being a mom is a totally different thing but for you ladies that are reading this, you know what I'm talking about. There is this maternal thing inside of us that some people have and some people don't.. there is nothing wrong with that though. Just like there are some dads that just have it.. it doesn't mean that you don't know how to take care of your kids if you don't have it.. it just means that inner part of you that just clicks.. it's so hard to explain unless you already know what I'm talking about.

You might be asking yourself why I chose NOW of all times to do a pregnancy blog.. I mean, you're probably thinking.. you're not even married! Well, my answer to that is, sometimes we're forced to make decisions that we really don't want to have to make. Unfortunately for me, that time might be sooner rather than later. At the end of the day, I have to be really with myself... I know that there is a possibility my ovaries might need to be removed.. I also know, that if things are too my messy, a hysterectomy is a possibility too.. All decisions that I never wanted to have to make.

So, here I am left with my dreams.. hoping, wishing, praying.. that they come true........ I want to have an intimate, and loving relationship with my future husband, I want to know what it feels like to go to the store and purchase a pregnancy test and NOT see 1 stripe instead of 2. I want to know what it feels like to wait and be excited for what the test will show! That feeling, that makes you want to laugh, and cry, and run around the entire house screaming.. I want to find out the gender of my baby, and hide it from my friends and family so that it's a surprise.. I want to go little dress shopping, or toy car shopping! I want to decorate my baby's nursery, and sit on the rocking chair every night before the baby comes. I want to feel my baby's heartbeat for the first time, I want to feel my baby hiccup while my husband and I are lying in bed at night.. or watching my husband start to tear up when he feels his babys hand touching him through my belly. I can't wait for the day I go into labour, regardless of how much pain that is.. just so my husband and I can see our precious little baby. I want my husband to hold me, and rub my back slowly, with an intimate connection progressing through labour. Most of all though, I dream of the day my husband and I can meet our beautiful baby for the first time. The first bonding experience, just my husband and I.

I dream of the day... I become a mom <3


Until next time...
xo

Lets up the ante!!

I am slowly growing into the reality that nights are my designated blogging times. I don't know what it is about thinking in the dark, but when the world is calm - my best thoughts come in to play. Tomorrow is one of my ever dreaded days.. i am undergoing my 500th pelvic/vaginal ultrasound to check in on the mass. Every few weeks, I am either going for an MRI or an ultrasound - nevertheless, some sort of imaging procedure is being performed.

To be totally honest though.. since this is a blog based on honesty. I am so scared to get this over with.. There are 2 things that could happen. I could go in tomorrow, and find out that everything has stayed the same.. no increase in size, no decrease in size; ultimately, in a perfect world - what you would want to happen. Second thing that could happen, is that we find out the tumor has gotten bigger which, depending on the size.. could mean a lot of things. The fate of my surgery date rests entirely on tomorrow.. i think that's what the scary part about this whole thing is. I'm used to going for imaging tests, what I'm not used to though is having to make decisions that could effect the rest of my life. I obviously want this thing out, I guess I'm just nervous about what could happen if things don't go perfectly in the OR. My family and I have to make some pretty tough decisions within the next few weeks leading up to my surgery. One of the big questions is what happens to my ovaries? If my doctors go in and find a mess, my parents will have to make the tough final decision of whether or not have them take my ovaries. At the end of the day, this is something I have to talk to my gyno about because there is no way i can make a decision SO drastic without solid evidence that it will be in my best interest. Regardless, I will let you all know how tomorrow goes!!

You guys know, for as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom. I know that there are other ways of being a mom, that it doesn't have to be your biological child in order to feel like a mom. Adoption is definitely something i would consider down the line, but there is something about having your own baby.. feeling your baby kick for the first time or turn around in your belly.. hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time, or finding out the gender and decorating a nursery! There are so many thing that I want to at least experience once before going down any other routes. I'm not going to go too much into that quite yet because I'm hoping to do a separate blog entry on pregnancy.

Thank you all so much for listening to my worries, and calming my fears.. i know it will happen for me one day...

Until next time...
xo

Remind Me...

I've decided that every Saturday night, I will include a beautiful song for everyone to listen to.. whether it's by a well known artist or someone in between.. i hope you like the idea :)

by Brad Paisley ft. Carrie Underwood




Brad] We didn’t care if people stared
We’d make out in a crowd somewhere
Somebody’d tell us to get a room
It’s hard to believe that was me and you
Now we keep saying that we’re ok
But I don’t want to settle for good not great
I miss the way that it felt back then I wanna feel that way again
Been so long that you’d forget the way I used to kiss your neck
[Carrie] Remind me, remind me
[Brad]So on fire so in love. Way back when we couldn’t get enough
[Carrie] Remind me, remind me
[Carrie] Remember the airport dropping me off
We were kissing goodbye and we couldn’t stop
[Brad] I felt bad cause you missed your flight
[Carrie and Brad] But that meant we had one more night
[Carrie] Do you remember how it used to be
we’d turn out the lights and we didn’t just sleep
[Brad] Remind me, Baby Remind me
Baby remind me
[Carrie] Oh so on fire, so in love
that look in your eyes that I miss so much
[ Lyrics from http://www.songonlyrics.com/brad-paisley-remind-me-lyrics-feat-carrie-underwood ]
[Brad] Remind me, baby remind me
[Brad] I wanna feel that way
[Carrie] Yeah I wanna hold you close
[Brad and Carrie] Oh If you still love me
Don’t just assume I know
[Carrie] Do you remember the way it felt?
[Brad] You mean back when we couldn’t control ourselves
[Carrie] Remind me
[Brad] Yeah remind me
[Carrie] All those things that you used to do
That made me fall in love with you
Remind me. Oh Baby Remind Me
[Brad] Yeah you’d wake up in my old t-shirt
All those mornings I was late for work
Remind me
[Brad and Carrie] Oh baby remind me

Oh, this could really be a good life..

It is finally the end of the day! Everyone is in their beds, ready for the night to be over. There is something so peaceful about night time.. maybe its because you know that the world around you is asleep and dreaming. Dreams; they're a funny thing. Aren't they? Wishing for something that is not close enough to reach. I used to be a big dreamer, I loved my fantasies because it meant that they might be attainable. That is at least, until you grow up..

I think I knew pretty quickly growing up that dreams, and fantasies were something that you thought about while you were asleep. There is a difference between having goals, and having dreams. I have goals. Dreaming is a form of hope, a fantasy that you wished were possible in real life. I had lots of dreams as a little girl.. some were so far fetched they don't even grant an explanation. Others, though.. are real life dreams. Sometimes, I lay in bed, wishing to remember what it was like to feel healthy again. I can't remember the last time I woke up with the feeling of freedom. You know what I'm talking about don't you? I don't mean actual freedom, running wild.. I mean, when you wake up in the morning and you feel a.l.i.v.e, truly alive. When the air you breathe in makes you feel like you're on a cloud; the feeling of anything being possible.

I remember waking up as a child, feeling the sun shinning through my window.. hearing the beautiful birds with the sign of summer fast approaching. Why is it that when we get older, we forget those little things? It's not about the sun coming in hitting ever cold spot on your body.. it's about closing the blinds because it's way too hot OR maybe closing the window because you can't sleep. I want to dream, trust me.. i do. I just find it so hard to hold onto something that shows no promise. I constantly dream of the day where my limbs get out of bed before my mind.. the thought of being well, seems like a never ending wishing well.. i continue to throw my quarters in but all i ever see is that little girl inside of me.. wishing that i didn't know better. Wishing that I knew it was all a fantasy.

Maybe dreams do come true, after all.. maybe we just focus on the wrong things to dream for.. I dream for the day I won't be sick anymore when maybe what i should be dreaming of is a man to love and care for me so much, that all of that bad stuff doesn't even matter..

This could really be a good life.. and that, is no dream at all.. that's reality. Just give me the chance xx
p.s. sorry if im babbling. The way i see it is, im allowed one of these a month, where you are so tired that you could be talking in a language you don't even know.. I will be back tomorrow with a GOOD blog! I promise...

Until next time,
xo

Lost without my dreams..

Well, Well.. look who it is! I'm surprised to see you here!! I know I know, I was supposed to be "exhausted" Well.. that only lasted 5 seconds. I actually haven't taken my sleeping pill yet but I definitely intend to so that I can get some proper sleep tonight. The unflattering truth is.. I am SO bloated!! More indigestion than anything else.. mind you, it's probably because of all the water I'm drinking. It's kind of contradictory right.. taking diuretics to try and reduce water retention, but yet you're supposed to drink water silly. Who's complaining though, I love a big tall glass of cold water! What ever this pill is doing, it's definitely working! I have been peeing like a race horse, not that I know how much a race horse pees but what ever kind of retention i have in my body, it's definitely being flushed out; I just can't wait for the bloating to stop! Wouldn't that be the best day..

I am currently up helping one of my dad's friends. As I'm sure you've probably already noticed by now, I love helping people - whether it's in a hospital setting or not; its my passion.. My dad came to me asking for a favour; one of his friends at work is struggling finding his wife a job. With how tough these times are, being an immigrant to Canada, she has not had very much work here. I told him I would help her write her resume, so - that is what I'm doing! I was just about to start typing it up when I decided to pop onto my blog and write a little bit.. I have really had the urge to write this last little while.

The truth is, I don't really know what to do; I'm all over the place. I know that people deserve a second chance.. but when does that second chance turn into a fourth, fifth, and sixth chance? A part of me just wants so much more for myself. With me going in for surgery in the next few weeks, a part of me wants so badly to start fresh. Let this new chapter in my life happen, give me the opportunity to follow all of my dreams. It's hard, I have been trying for so long to justify my relationship but I am just running out of reasons. I don't feel that spark anymore, that longing for him. To tell you the truth, my heart has kind of been elsewhere for a little bit. I don't even know how it happened, really. It wasn't like I was looking for it, or trying to find something there. All of a sudden, I just looked at him and felt different; I'm nervous when I'm around him, I feel fireworks going off in my stomach when I talk to him. What is wrong with me! There is no way, he would ever want to be with me - as badly as I would want to be with him. With surgery coming up, you ask yourself so many questions.. There is no way I could tell him, even if I wanted to (which I do). If I had some kind of feeling that he may be interested too, then maybe i would.

You know that feeling that you get when you are attracted to someone? That comfort.. knowing that you're safe, and loved. I so want to feel that way again.. just hearing his voice makes me calm, and I don't know too many people that can do that. Except maybe for John Tesh - that man, can put a girl to sleep happy and safe! Quite honestly, even if he did feel something for me (which he probably doesn't) I think we would both be too scared to do anything about it.. I don't expect a lot from people. I am a pretty down to earth girl, and I definitely don't get mad easily. I just wish for even a moment with him, I would show every part of me.. my soft side, my wild side, my maternal side, my loving side. If only a girl can dream, right...

I have to be honest with myself, there are not a lot of men out there that are looking for my kind of baggage. They don't want to have to deal with that. When i tried dating, I had one guy tell me that he didn't want to give us a chance because he didn't want to grow feelings and deal with the grief of losing a wife & partner. How do you tell someone that? I know there's no vows in the beginning.. I'm not stupid but if that's the case; no one will ever want to be with me. Let's be honest here.. that's all I ever am; Lupus is a disease that kills. Not always, but it does. How can i expect someone else to have to get used to it when I even had a hard time getting used to it at the beginning.

If he were to ever read this, which i doubt.. I hope he sees how amazing I think he is. I would give anything for the chance to be with a man half as good as he is. I hope he knows how much he truly deserves.. I want someone to look at me, and tell me that I'm beautiful. Regardless of all the crap that I have to deal with.. I want him to hold my hair when I'm sick, and kiss my head when I have a fever. I want to be loved. I know my ex thinks that he loves me, but one day.. I hope he sees what love is truly like because I don't think that what we had was it.

I might do a fun blog after this one.. I got too serious tonight!!
****DON'T FORGET**** Please leave comments!! I want to hear your feedback :)

Until next time,
xo

Gynocolo-what!

Hi friends! I'm sad to say that this is going to be a rather short blog post as I don't have the energy (at least not at this moment) to go into full blogging mode. Maybe it's because I have barely gotten any sleep in the last few days.. goes to show how it doesn't just effect your pain threshold, it effects every aspect of your life.
1
I went to my gyno today, to have a pre-surgery chat and get my surgery date. *shivering in my nighty*. So, here it is folks! My surgery date was supposed to be scheduled for September 2nd but because I am in baltimore with my mom we had to pass on that date (we have already paid for our tickets). The next available surgery date was September 30th, however she wants to get me in much sooner than that.. I'm being put on the cancellation list so the next close available date will be mine. We talked about what to expect before, during, and after surgery.. I will be admitted in the night before, so that my doctors can monitor my lupus for any flares, fevers, and blood pressure episodes. Next, is surgery day. She said that this time around she will have to go right to a laporotomy.. forget about that laporoscopy! She told me to expect staying in the hospital for a little while which is what it is.

In the meantime though, she is sending me to an Inernest to help us for the actual day of the surgery. He will be there as the primary caregiver for my lupus during surgery. We're going to build an action plan with him, and do the pre-op closer to the surgery. We discussed all of my symptoms and she examined my abdomen to check for any ascites. Good news is, there is no ascites (at least not when she checked me). She did however, notice some fluid retention which is probably caused by everything going on. I was put on a diuretic between now and surgery to try and help with the uncomfortable bloating and such. I was also given a sleeping aid considering how awful my sleeping habits have been lately.. with me being in so much pain at night, and unable to get comfortable we both thought it would be a good idea to give me some good rest. Finally, an antibiotic ointment for the glands in my pelvis.. she wants to make sure that they dont get infected and grow an abscess between now and surgery. Come the day of my surgery, she will go ahead and drain all of my glands from any fluid.

Overall, it was a good appointment! Anywho, I have to get to bed.. I am exhausted. Hopefully i can give you guys a better blog tomorrow night!

Sleep tight everyone xx

Until next time,
xo

Little Pink&Blue Footsteps ♥

With all of the uncertainty going on in my life right now, I needed something to hold on to. It can be a pretty lonely place you know, thinking that all the dreams you've ever had could be taken away in an instance. I was having a particularly low moment today while I was waiting for my mom to finish work. It didn't make sense for me to go home for an 30 minutes, and then drive all the way back. So, I made best of the time that I had and experienced a lot of clarity throughout all of the uncertainty. I have always wanted to be a mom, from the time I could walk and talk, I knew that's what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't want to be just any mom either, I wanted to be involved in my kids lives, I wanted them to learn things from me, and take memories that would last a lifetime. We all have our talents, some play amazing music, some enjoy theatre and singing, for me though.. being a mom has always been my number one priority. If I only ever raised my children and had a beautiful marriage; my life would be complete. Why is it that the people who want it the most, have the hardest time achieving it? My doctor always told me, look at it this way.. if you have to work really really hard at it, it would mean much more to you than someone who can "just get pregnant". You would never take your children for granted, a single day in your life. I really loved the way she turned it around for me.. it gave me hope for the future. I would rather have to work hard to become a mom, then to just be "given it".. That was, 3 years ago.. crazy long ago! A lot has changed.. yet a lot has also stayed the same. Today, while waiting for my mom.. I decided to go into the gift shop at the hospital she works at. i was immediately drawn to all of the baby stuff.. there was tons of beautiful things. After looking around the shop, passing the area that sells all of the cancer gear.. a little fire was lit in my heart.. a fire of strength, courage, and the will to survive. I decided to pick out a few baby things, and purchased them for myself. No matter what happens with this surgery, whether it's just a tumor that needs to be taken out or it's cancer and i have to get a total hysterectomy, either way.. those little booties at that little hat will give me the strength and the motivation to continue on.. it will remind me that no matter what happens, it WILL happen for me.. I will not give up, and I will continue to fight until my dream of being a mom comes true..

to my future babies.. I hope you know how much mommy wanted you in her life; you are the reason i continue to wake up each day. Mommy loves you.

Until next time,
xo

A very scary possibility...

What a day! Never mind the day, the day was good.. what i should be saying is, what a day living with this ';two-ma;'. I think up to now, I've been dealing with this whole thing pretty well. I mean, i have my days but who doesn't! You guys all know that I have been freaking out over this surgery for quite some time. Not so much the surgery itself but more the "what could happen" while i'm asleep.. Due to the fact that I am considered a "high-risk" patient because of my lupus kind of freaks me out a little bit.. To be honest, I let it get the best of me for quite a few weeks. Now, though; the closer we get to surgery time, the thought of what will happen during surgery doesn't necessarily scare me as much. It's what might happen AFTER surgery that has been occupying my mind. When you have a doctor tell you that there could be even a slight chance of your tumors being malignant, you start to think about the things that are important to you.. was that donut i wanted to eat during the day so bad after all? Instead of taking the highway home to get there quicker, maybe i should have taken the back roads and take in the drive like i usually do. It's crazy what we think about when we're forced to re-evaluate our mortality. I have had this happen before.. where a radiologist thinks i have cancer but everything is clear on the biopsy. The only thing that scares me this time around is all of the changes that I've seen in my body; changes that I've never experienced before with any of my other tumors. I guess the moral of the story is, enjoy the second, minutes, and hours in your life today.. kiss your babies more than usual, treat yourself to that yummy donut you've been eyeing for weeks. Life is so damn short and I know I've said it before, but it's really beginning to show meaning now. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, so for right now.. I'm going to embrace the fact that I DON'T have a cancer diagnosis.. not yet at least.. I am enjoying this month the way I want to enjoy it.. because, come next month.. my life could change forever...


Until next time,
xo

I Don't Want To Close My Eyes

Have you ever heard those sappy love songs from the 80's and 90's that we all say we hate but secretly love. You hear it time and time again; "I don't want to close my eyes" but you don't fully know what it means. I was laying in bed thinking about a certain someone and it kind of hit me. I know what they are talking about.. if I ever had the chance to be with him, I wouldn't want to close my eyes for a second.. afraid that if you blink, it could all be taken away. That's our biggest fear, right? Being alone? Wrong! At least not for me.. my biggest fear is making a commitment to someone that I know I don't have a connection with. I'm almost relieved that things ended between my fiance and I. Before you think to yourself "that's a harsh thing to say about someone you were engaged to" trust me, I know. You see.. there is a difference between a marriage of convenience and a marriage of love and connection. I don't believe in fairytales, I'm not naive. I know that people fight, I know that no relationship or marriage is easy but I've had a glimpse of what a true connection is; he probably doesn't even know i exist which is the sad part. You know that feeling you get, when you lay in bed and feel warm and comforted just by thinking about that person.. when your heart skips a beat just by hearing his voice. I can guarantee you, that if i married my fiance - i could predict where we would be in 10 years. He would be going to work early in the AM, i would go to work, drop the kids off at the babysitters or daycare, come home from work, make dinner, he would come home, we would bathe the kids, then by the end of the night we would both be way too tired to even enjoy eachother's company. We would never travel, or see the world. We would never try new foods, we wouldn't even fight because at the end of the day we are both too tired to even bother on a marriage that doesn't even work anymore... This time away from dating, and being in love has been so inspiring and has really taught me so much about myself. Take food for instance, I hate plain pizza! I have been "so and so's" girlfriend for so long that I lost who I really was.. I love thin crust pizza, with cheese and spinach and yummy goodness! I hate staying inside, something I had gotten so used to over the years.. I love breathing in the fresh air, and being around people.. As much as i thought i wasn't a very sexual person... god, am i ever. I want to fight with my husband until we rip each other's clothes off because we are so crazy about each other.. I want GREAT make up sex! I want to touch him, without it always leading to sex. I want to take drives through the country and enjoy eachother's conversation. There are so many things that I have been missing out on. I know that the thought of letting go of a relationship or marriage is a hard pill to swallow. No one wants to admit that they are no longer happy.. It took me a while to realize that wasn't the life that i wanted, BUT I am telling you.. once you let go; as hard as it will be in the beginning (because it's very hard), the end result will be SO worth it. I have never felt so empowered to take on the world! The minute I recover from surgery, I am volunteering at the hospital, to get some experience in for when I finish school. I want to help kids, I want to help people. I am more passionate about life now, than ever before.

There's no such thing as a perfect life, i know this. Let me tell you though, you are so worth every ounce of happiness that this world has to offer. You deserve someone who knows your down, without even looking at you.. there is a connection that I always talk about.. unless you have felt it, there is no way to possibly understand what you're missing out on. You deserve to be given an amazing back massage after a long day at work, or random kisses on the neck to show that you are cared for and protected. Every single person on this earth deserves that, and it's sad that there are a lot of people out there in a relationship or marriage don't even remember what it feels like to be touched.. really, touched. It's amazing what illness can teach someone; i know that life is so much more precious than you would ever imagine. People might wonder, why did you even say yes to a proposal? Honestly, I was comfortable. As a society, we are taught that happiness is what you make of it. Wrong, happiness is SO much more than what we make of it. You deserve to be everything BUT comfortable. My life became a routine, I was not living.. I know that cinderella and beauty and the beast are just fairytales.. but behind all of those stories is a message.. at the end of the day, we have a choice.. choose to be happy, as hard as it may be. Somewhere, in this great big world.. your happiness is waiting! I keep thinking about how happy I could make this person. At the end of the day, though.. I have to trust that if any of it is meant to be.. it will be. Me of all people know that life is full of hardships, and roller coasters. One thing I do know, is that there is so much I have to offer to the world and.. SO DO YOU!

I want to find someone who I can spend my Sunday mornings with, laying in bed.. holding each other. I want someone who I am so intimately connected with, that I can take baths with and drink wine.. I want us to read our own separate books before bed, and instead of having the tv on at night, I want to lay on the couch and enjoy each others company.. I want to go to the farmers market on a Saturday morning, and cook dinner together with at night. I want a partner in life - I don't want to find someone to complete me, I want to find someone that compliments me. I want to rub your back when you're tired and stressed, or run my nails across your head to relieve tension. I want to have a family, kids that enjoy spending time with their mom and dad. I want to take family trips, and make memories.. maybe take a few pictures along the way. I want to make my husband and kids breakfast in the morning, and rush them to school because the alarm didn't go off.. i want to help their tummy aches, and kiss their scrapes and bruises.. I want to decorate the house as a family for all of the exciting holidays. Most of all though, I'm ready to love again..

Before I say goodnight, I want to leave you with one more thought.. at the end of your life, when you're on your death bed; all those materialistic things will mean nothing.. the long hours at work, the expensive car and the big house.. none of that means anything. Those things, you will not remember.. it's the moments you create with the ones you love that you will remember and take with you.. There will come a time that you will have to look back on your life...... make sure it's worth watching <3

Whoever is upstairs, and answers all the prayers.. please take mine with great consideration. This could really be a good life!!

Until next time
xo

Rough. Day.

I wish today could have been easier, but maybe to some, my life is easier. There are people out there that are struggling for their next breath, or struggling to stay alive. In the grand scheme of things; i have it pretty good. Incase you haven't noticed, we're all dealing with something. I think I'm still allowed to have my own struggles, regardless of what the next person may be going through. If that were the case, we would never allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve, or to feel pain because somewhere out there - someone is suffering more. I may not have cancer, or a ventilator to help me breathe but for right now - i'm going to allow myself this second of self-pity. I don't know what it's like to go through chemotherapy, and maybe (hopefully not) I might have to. For right now though, this is my own personal struggle; living with a disease that takes no prisoners, trying to go through day to day life with a tumor the size of a football in my pelvis. I'm not going to pretend to be some sort of hero and say that I never complain, because i do. I think when God (or whichever you believe in) gives you a tough pill to swallow; you deserve a moment to feel sorry for yourself. For the last 7 years, this is all I have known so yeah, it does get to be a little too much. I try every day to be a good person, and do good things; make a difference in the world - you know? Most days, I will wake up with a smile on my face, regardless of the struggles that are presenting themselves that day. Life can be beautiful, and that's what I usually try to make it. However, not every day is cream coloured ponies and warm apple strudels. Doorbells and sleigh bells with snitchel and noodles! Somtimes, I want my damn pie and I want to eat it too!! I know life isn't perfect, and although I try to stay optimistic.. some days.. are just plain ROUGH! To all of the people in the world who are suffering.. here's to you kid**hugs N kisses**

Until next time...
xo

Don't mind my gland......

Beep, be-beep, beep --- beep! Don't mind this stupid thing. You know, the thing that has been trying to send me signals for the last few weeks. Oh, THAT! Don't mind that. Wanna know the reason for all of this morse code? Blame it on my lymphatic system. We all know what lymph nodes are, RIGHT class? Well, my last MRI showed that a few of my lymph nodes were enlarged. Ok, cool. I wouldn't be able to tell you where my lymph nodes were, even if you pointed to them! Apparently, my body has been trying to send weird signals for the last few weeks and stupid me, didn't even notice them. I was trying to look for the most obvious answer, when.. well, the most obvious answer was staring me right in the face. I don't know for CERTAIN that's what it is.. but I have a pretty good idea of what those masses protruding from my pelvis were. I think I was watching something on the news, 11pm news to be exact.. about a teen in the area who had contracted measles. The doctor that treated him, was talking about the glands in his neck be enlarged and it clicked. Where are all of the glands in the pelvis located? After looking up the lymphatic system on trusty, old' Google.. I found what I had been looking everywhere else for! All of the areas that I've had mass-looking protrusions in, are where the glands in the pelvis are found. Don't ask me what all of this means, because.. I don't really know. What I do know, is that my body is fighting off something! Which would explain my intense fatigue that I've been experiencing these last few weeks. There must be something going on with this tumor for all of my glands and lymph nodes to be enlarged. I'm planning on talking to my doctor at some point today, so hopefully I'll find out what all of this means...

Until next time,
xo

Totally FLIP'D out!!

I did it! I gave in to the hype! I typically don't like to follow the hype of online stuff but this time.. I gave in! On Saturday, after a wonderful meal at Jack Astors - I walked my little hynnie over to Best Buy and made a purchase that I have been debating for at least over a month. I decided to take some time and weigh my options, BUT after a month of relentless nagging at my conscience I decided to take the plunge! Not only do I do alot of travelling, (a trip coming up in just a few weeks time with my mom), I thought it would be an awesome tool to document the next chapters of my life. With surgery coming up, and the recovery process of that.. not to mention, marriage and kids - this seemed like an awesomely justifiable splurge. Not to mention, the smaller GB of Flips start at $ 79.00! I was totally sold. Anywho, just thought I would let y'all know that as soon as I figure out how to work imovie, I will be coming to a computer near you.. in HD!

Until next time,
xo

Surgery... WHAT!

{I could not find anything in direct size to my tumor but here is an example of a 5cm tumor.. picture 3 of these together. Fun, right? (not) }

You guessed it, folks! I am FINALLY getting this darn thing out.. It has been 8 months (9 once surgery roles around) since this stupid tumor was found. Why did it take so long you ask? Blame it on our sucky healthcare. I shouldn't be complaining, I know how much harder people in the states have it with no free health care. I just find it hard to believe that our healthcare today takes almost a year for a 22 year old girl with an almost 14cm tumor on her right ovary to get removed. Thank god for my amazing gynaecologist! The same one that believed for years that I was suffering from Lupus. She was actually the one that rallied behind me and my mom and referred me to the rheumatologist I have now. I am so blessed to have found such an amazing doctor, and even more blessed that this stupid tumor is not malignant!! This surgery kind of signifies a fresh start for me.. a new journey that I am so excited to begin :D I know this is a short blog, BUT are you curious to know how large 14cm's is? Take a look at the picture above! Right!! No wonder I've been having such a hard time going to the bathroom.. Have a wonderful week, everyone <3

Until next time,
xo

VERY BERRY!

Sticking with the, lets take care of our body theme - I have decided to give you guys a really quick, and simple recipe on how to prepare a nutritious and healthy start or end to any day! This recipe would almost seem too simple to warrant a recipe but I know that when I first started this journey 3 weeks ago, the eating healthy task seemed daunting. I hope you all try this at home, it is such a refreshing, simple treat!


Tools Needed:
1.) 1 large spoon & knife
2.) Blender or Food Processor
3.) 1 Large Glass


Ingredients:
1.) 1 cup of strawberries
2.) 1/4 cup of blueberries
3.) 4 large tablespoons of vanilla yogurt or 1 serving of yogurt cup (or as desired)
4.) 1 tsp of vanilla extract (you may substitute for 1 small pack of crystal light powder of your choice)
5.) 3/4 cup of ice cubs (or as desired)
6.) 1 large banana
7.) I also like to add about 1/4 cup of lactose free milk (I am lactose intolerant)

***Now, all you have to do is BLEND and ENJOY!***

I hope you will all try this at home! I absolutely love making one of these in the morning with or as my breakfast. If I want to get a double serving of my fruits, I might even make it again at night as a tasty little treat after dinner :) YUM!

Absolutely, pooped!

This is not exactly the kind of blog that I wanted to proceed after my tribute to my dear childhood friend. I always promised myself that I would tell you how it truly is; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It has been almost 9 months since this stupid tumor was found. I can't exactly say I've been loving it, but it hasn't necessarily "cramped my style" however kids today say it. It's funny how during your school years, you always seem to be in the know. Every word in the english dictionary can be said in some "cool" way. At least until an adult tries to say it. Then.. it's the lamest word in the english language. Anyways, this blog isn't about school nor is it about how to be cool in an ever expanding generation of tech-savy young kids. This blog post, is exactly as the title describes it..

Dealing with pain is something I've gotten good at over the years. Blame it on the meds that help me fight the pain, or blame it on a strong-willed personality, not willing to give up. Whichever way you look at, I know what it's like to live every second of your day in pain. Granted, my tumor has doubled in size since it was first found.. life has been pretty good up until this last month. It seems like my last menstrual cycle (which may I add is far and few between. I'm talking like, 3-4 times a year.. if that) was what started this whole series of progressive events. I dealt with the bloating well enough, knowing what times of day were worse than others. The actual pain I would feel was minimal due to the pain meds I have been on. I don't want to necessarily say it's been smooth sailing these last 9 months, but it's been bearable. I know this is probably TMI *too much information*, again with the "cool" lesson...This is what you signed up for though.. I'm honest in every aspect of my life, why wouldn't i be when it comes to my life blog.. my last menstrual cycle was horrible. For those of you who have had kids, save it. I know childbirth is horrible, and one day (hopefully) god permitting, I will get to experience it but for now, this is all I have to compare to. Think about how you contract during labor. Well, that's what my weekend looked like a few weeks ago. My lower pelvis, and lower abdomen were actually contracting and hardening. There are a few theories as to why my body would be contracting, while not being pregnant. My GYN (the one that will be performing my surgery in September) thinks it could be my body trying to contract the mass out, which makes sense. It's a foreign object in my abdomen, I don't blame it for wanting to push it out.. I hate it, and I'm not a confined uterus.

Fast-forward a few weeks, and here we are. If I don't remain constant with taking my pain meds, I end up suffering pretty heavily during the day. My lupus is aggravated, and doing a whole bunch of stupid things. I've had a fever pretty much every day for the last little while (which totally effects your day, can i say!). Not to mention, my lower abdomen/pelvis feeling like it's been hit with a baseball bat several times. I know, I know.. I sound like I'm complaining. I'm really not. This is just my safe haven to vent, my frustrations, my smiles, and my tears. To get back to the purpose of this post, before I go off on a totally random rant. My bowels are taking a real beat up by this stupid thing, it's really beginning to take up room in me.. I'm finding I feel nauseous quite easily after eating a meal (which helps with the weight loss journey, i guess). Regardless, my bowels are really fighting back. I have been absolutely, pooped! (No pun intended).. A few days ago, I started having a really hard time going to the bathroom. The amount of pressure I feel in my pelvis whenever I need to have bowel movement is absolutely awful. By this evening, I have ceased being able to even go. Docusate? Yes please! It's right beside my bed, I plan on taking some before I go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad.. I do get a laugh out of myself every once in a while. It's just hard to be 9 months in with an almost 14 cm mass off of ONE ovary. It's like, one boob being bigger than the other.. I mean, there's fare, and there's.. god, seriously? I've also started to notice the right side of my pelvis has begun to bulge out.. it's about the size of two pennies but it's definitely visible. I talked to my GYN and asked her if she thought it was the mass beginning to bulge and become visible (which would make sense.. when something gets too big, it has nowhere else to go but out) To be quite honest, it kind of scared me. For the last 9 months, I have been able to feel my mass in my abdomen but it wasn't until this incident that I've really been able to see it.. not exactly something someone wants to witness, especially at 22.

What a journey! At least I can say it's never a dull moment at my house!! Ever get bored in your life? Feel free to live mine for a day! Anywho, it's late and I need to start winding down for the night.. youtube, here i come!

Until next time,
xo

Rest in Peace, old friend.

Remember when I said, change is good. Well, let me correct myself. "Most" change is good, not all. What does it usually take for someone to re-assess their life, and what it's worth? I know you've heard it before.. Life is precious, don't waste a single second if it. You look back on life, and you see a small glimpse of your childhood. The snippet in time that will forever be engraved in your memory. The first memory that comes to mind, is of a loyal friend who I can't say I knew as an adult, but as a child; we were all dear friends.

Over the Canada Day weekend, a childhood friend of mine passed away in a tragic accident in cottage country. The first memory that comes to mind of her, was a sleepover that 5 of us had at a mutual friends house. I remember pulling an all-nighter that night, because we were all too scared to fall asleep in the dark. We had just performed what we thought was a seance, you know how kids are. The night was filled with laughter, and tears, and memories that I have remembered 15 years later.

I wanted to pay tribute to her. Even though I did not know her as a young adult, I will always remember the friendship we had as children... Rest in peace Nadia. May your angels lead you home...

Until next time,
xo

Change on the Horizon

Amongst a mile of other changes in my life, one of the second biggest changes has been my weight. For the first time, in a very long time.. I am putting me, first. I decided to make some "changes" in my life after everything happened with my ex. Would you like to guess what that big change has been? Let me give you one hint... skinny? Woah, hold your horses; I'm not skinny, YET! Ever wish you could peer in on someone's life, and see what their life is like? Well, this is your chance. One of the bigger changes on the horizon for me is my weight. It has been 2 weeks, to the day that I have started another "change". I don't want to jinx myself, but for some strange reason.. this time has been so much more.. different. Losing weight has never been my strong suit, I don't really know who's strong suit it would be. Anyhow, 2 weeks ago, I decided to make a chance, and change my life around. I am happy to say, that I am doing FANTASTIC! It's funny, I look back on old photo's from when I was in high school and even childhood. I think, why did I ever feel like I was "fat"? Just because I didn't meet societies expectations of a little skinny minnie, doesn't mean I was ever unhealthy. We are so hard on ourselves growing up, that we never get to experience loving our bodies. I am on a mission though! For once in my life, I want to love my body. I want to love who I am as a person; embrace every single part of me - even my Lupus! Like i said before.. change can be a really scary thing, but.. it can also be pretty amazing. Take it from me :)

(You can expect a before and after picture in the next little while.. I am going to be documenting my weight loss, and life gain journey.)

Until next time,
xo

It's Going to be Worth it..

What a month this has been! I never quite grasped how fast and drastic life could change, in such a short period of time. I have experienced so many changes in the last few weeks, I don't really know where to begin. I was never someone who welcomed change too well; the thought actually freaks me out. Blame that on a childhood filled with unwelcome change, perhaps? Change was never a good thing when I was little.. it usually meant I had to get used to losing someone, and never getting them back. We're programmed to fear change, in every aspect of our life. As I get older, I've kind of learned to embrace change. Trust me though, that state of mind didn't happen overnight.

When the reality I had built for myself, began to crumble in front of me - i got scared. This so called "expectation" that society holds on us was the little devil on my shoulder telling me not to back out. I thought I had it all, maybe a part of me was convinced that it wasn't right. They usually say, if it aint broke; don't fix it? "They".. who are "they" anyways? Well, in my case.. it was broke. I was in a relationship with a man i thought I was going to marry. He was my first, for everything. Maybe firsts are just that. Maybe they're not meant to be anything more. They teach you things about yourself; what you want, and what you don't. Regardless.. the big guy upstairs had bigger plans for me. I'm not going to say it's been easy, because it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do (besides losing my nana and papa). At the beginning, I doubted my decision. The little guy on my shoulder kept telling me to run back to him.. but deep down, this time was different. I have so much to offer the world, and for the first time in a long time.. I feel like there is a man out there, that will appreciate me for me. I heard a quote this week that really resonated with me.. look for someone to complement you, not complete you. I am my own person, and I deserve to live my life as such. I don't want to be someone's other half, I don't even want to be someone's everything. I want to find the one person in the world that fits me. I never quite understood the saying "they fit like a glove". I know I used to say it a lot about my nana and papa jack's love, but until now - i never quite understood the meaning.

Don't be fooled. Although I have my moments of weakness, where I break down and cry; i know that everything I am going through will be worth it. The pain, the tears, the heartache - it will all be worth it. I am so looking forward to starting that new page in my life. The page where I get to be a wife, and a mother, and my husbands best friend. I don't quite know who that might be right now but I know that when I am starring my little family in the eye, I will remind myself that by gosh, it was worth it!!

Until next time..
xo

Life isn't always as it seems..

It's been a few months since my last post, I don't really have an excuse. I wish I did. A lot has happened, and a lot has been erased. Don't let the smile fool you. To be quite honest, these last few weeks have kind of been a haze - I can't say I've been entirely present through it all. I had my struggles.. I'm human. After being diagnosed in January with Lupus, and than have it taken away a month later - my mind was all over the place. I was once again, lost and confused. It is now July 1st @ 1:02am, and with a positive antibody, and an antibody resembling the antinuclear, it has now settled that I do in fact have Lupus.

Not only has these last few weeks been life changing where my health is concerned, it has also been life changing in all other aspects. Before I start to tell you about my sad sob story, I want you all to take something away from this. Please. At the beginning of June, my boyfriend of 4 years "proposed" to me. Oh yes, so beautiful. I want you all to know, that the little inner conscience that sits on your shoulder... at times.. listen to it. Of course, I was thrilled that I was finally going to be a bride (something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl). Did I want to do it.. at the time, yes. There was something on the inside though, deep at the pit of my heart that told me this wasn't right. I justified my feelings, telling myself that nothing in life is ever perfect and what I'm feeling is normal. Turns out, what I was feeling... was my heart telling me this wasn't right. I will not go into too much detail, because I don't think it's anyone's business but what I will say is that my fiance and I are no longer together. It took a hell of a lot of strength to get through those few nights without him. After being with someone as long as I had, you learn to live with those little "ticks" that used to bother you. I was used to sleeping next to him, having someone to hold at night, someone to talk to.

Well, a few weeks later and I am coming along. It's amazing what time apart from someone does. I have learned so much about myself; what I want, and what I don't want. I think deep down, I always knew that it wasn't right but i kept with what felt familiar to me. I deserved better. I'm not going to lie.. it's been hard. But what I will tell you, is that I have learned SO much about myself... this person, I missed so much.. I missed being me.

It almost feels like everything is finally coming into place. My surgery was booked for the beginning of Sept to take out this stupid tumor. I can't wait to start living my life, the way I want to. I want to travel, I want to be active, I want to lose weight, I want to finish my degree, I want to fall in love. There are so many huge steps on my horizon, and I am so excited that I can say I will do it on my own. I have already begun in my journey.. I have been working out, eating healthy, working on my school work..... AND, I have also started dating! I am so happy with the person I am right now, and the person I will soon become. This is my second chance at happy, and I'm not going to waste a minute of it.

I signed up for a very different journey than the one that has been presented to me BUT, I am going to do this! I am going to REALLY live.. something I haven't done in years. Although this blog was going to be about my journey with Lupus, I've decided to add a personal spin to it. Follow me through the daunting first dates, and coping with Lupus under stress.. follow me through the weeks leading up to, and after my surgery... This isn't exactly what I expected but I'm ready, life..... HERE I COME!

HELLO WORLD!!!!

Until next time,

Steph

Life as I knew it..

I don't really know where to begin. Some of the most important changes in my life have happened since I last wrote. I began this blog journey as a way to educate others, but I think in the process, I ended up educating myself instead.

The last few years have really been a whirlwind. I would like to believe that I've really found myself in the process. When my health began to go downhill, I think I clung onto something that gave my symptoms a name. We went so long trying to figure out what was wrong with me that the minute my doctors believed it had a name, I hung onto that.

I let my illness ruin my life. That, was all me. I spent years convinced that my illness was keeping me from the life I wanted. The truth is, I was keeping myself from the life that I wanted. I blamed my illness for the reason I didn't want to try working again. I also blamed it for the reason I never wanted to go out. Did I have a good reason to feel the way I did? Of course. Should I have let it run my life? Of course not! Yes, I am in pain - more pain than I have ever been in. The truth is though, I'm done letting whatever I have control my life. I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus in February, to then be told that my Rheumatologist thought I had a rare disease called Vasculitis. An antibody called ANCA was detected in my blood, which then led to a referral to the Vasculitis clinic out of Mount Sinai. I was devastated. I was angry. Those doctors that I trusted so much, let this disease progress. Well, never be surprised by doctors, or your health for that matter. Turns out, the same antibody was tested at St. Mikes, and it came back negative. For weeks, I was scared to death. I have now learned that life can change in an instant. I came home from my initial appointment with the rheumy, feeling blessed that I was finally diagnosed. Now, we are back at square one. I have to go back for bloodwork every 3 months, basically waiting for my ANA to show up positive. I have all the symptoms, and all the signs. Some people, it takes years for antibodies to develop, and for some, the antibodies are there even before the symptoms. Could this be something else? I wouldn't doubt it. We know that whatever this is, it's an autoimmune disease. At this point though, I just need to live my life and forget about all of this until it shows up. I'm tired, and I'm frustrated. I am no longer focusing my life on my health.

The most ironic throughout all of this, gives me one more reason to not trust doctors OR the medical field. I went months, thinking I had a few small cysts on my ovaries, to find out last month that I ACTUALLY have a 13cm dumb-bell shaped mass in my adnexal region. The radiologist believes it looks malignant, however at this point - I think they're all crazy. No offense, but there is no way I am going to begin to worry, it's wasted time. Until they take this thing out, I'm living my life and this, one more thing, will not change my outlook on life. I have an MRI tomorrow at Princess Margaret Hospital. Yes, the leading hospital in Cancer research, gynecological especially. Whatever happens, will happen; me worrying is not going to change it. I mean, look at what 2 years of worrying did to me. Nothing good comes from it. My surgery will most likely be sometimes in May or June, and although I'm not looking forward to it, I've accepted it. I accepted the fact that I will most likely require surgery on my ovaries every few years. My intuition was right; my last surgery was only in 2008. The difference this time around however, is that I'm no longer considered a low-risk case. Due to all of my medical issues, I will now have to be monitored by an anesthesiologist, among other specialists both prior to and during surgery. Risks include, massive stroke during surgery because of my blood pressure. Among the variety of other complications that go along with operating on someone with an autoimmune disease. I have accepted the fact that this mass needs to be removed, and whatever happens - happens. Of course, I'm terrified but what other option do I have?

Well, I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day in the city. I will update again soon.

Bye for now,

xoxo

Sweet Dreams.......

We all have struggles, but it's what we do with those struggles that make us unique. I can't say that I'm all that unique, but I definitely try to hold my own. I've been in some weird health kick lately, you know - actually caring what you put into your body, and recognizing that our bodies need lots of care to function. I don't know how long it will last (a little insight into my life; i tend to start things, and not finish) I'm not necessarily proud of this fact but I mid as well be honest.

There have been a handful of times in life where i have been scared, truly scared. I have been trying not to remind myself that this particular time in my life, I should be scared to death, or scared of death shall I say. I know I mentioned about some stuff going on with my health, other than the obvious. It's strange you know, I know what I want to say but I can't quite bring myself to say it. It's not like movies; emotion, anger, guilt. I feel nothing, I am literally emotionless. I don't know if it's because I'm trying not to think about it, or if it hasn't fully registered yet. I have had my moments, where the world stands still - instances few and far between.

It has been a dark cloud in my family, hovering; a rain storm that just wont pass. Ovarian Cancer.

Yes folks, you heard me right. A few months ago, I started noticing slight changes in regards to a familiar pain that was quite honestly, forgotten. I began noticing changes in my menstrual cycle, along with severe pressure in the pelvic region. Okay, let's not get into too much detail. I mean come on, this is just a blog after all (lol).. Well, to make a long story short. I may have cancer. Even writing it feels foreign to me. I am so used to talking about it, just not for myself. What I thought was a large cyst, turns out I have a mass instead. I have to see an oncologist at the beginning of February. Even though I don't think it is cancer, it still feels weird to say, or even think. Me? cancer? No way. I am 22 years old. How does a 22 year old "possibly" have ovarian cancer? I don't get it. My gynecologist is concerned because of my enlarged liver, I guess it's common in patients with ovarian cancer. Not to mention, the other areas around my ovaries which what they think are cysts. If they can be wrong about a large mass being a cyst, I can't really say I trust that these "cysts" on my ovaries, are actually cysts.

Anywho, it's late and I'm tired. I'm sure I will post another blog soon. Keep you posted.

Until next time...

My Healthcare Binder

Just a tad bit of information for each and every one of you to think about.. I was first introduced to the idea a few years ago upon a repetitive doctors appointment. In Canada, you are legally allowed to your own medical information, including test results and history. Before I became sick, I was unaware of the importance involved with taking charge of your own health care. Most doctors look at a prepared patient, in a better light then one which is not prepared. I had no idea, until i started doing my research. As a Canadian citizen, I am allowed to obtain copies of every single medical test that has ever been preformed on me. With photocopies of all my test results, I have created a binder full of important health related information which I take to all of my specialist appointments. Categorized, I have different sections for each individual issue; test results, symptoms, medications, ect.. I'm not saying it's something all of you have to hurry and run out to do, but it's definitely an idea for each and every one of you to consider. It may not be for everyone but it is definitely a good way to keep track of all your health care information..

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask!

Talk to you soon...