I Don't Want To Close My Eyes

Have you ever heard those sappy love songs from the 80's and 90's that we all say we hate but secretly love. You hear it time and time again; "I don't want to close my eyes" but you don't fully know what it means. I was laying in bed thinking about a certain someone and it kind of hit me. I know what they are talking about.. if I ever had the chance to be with him, I wouldn't want to close my eyes for a second.. afraid that if you blink, it could all be taken away. That's our biggest fear, right? Being alone? Wrong! At least not for me.. my biggest fear is making a commitment to someone that I know I don't have a connection with. I'm almost relieved that things ended between my fiance and I. Before you think to yourself "that's a harsh thing to say about someone you were engaged to" trust me, I know. You see.. there is a difference between a marriage of convenience and a marriage of love and connection. I don't believe in fairytales, I'm not naive. I know that people fight, I know that no relationship or marriage is easy but I've had a glimpse of what a true connection is; he probably doesn't even know i exist which is the sad part. You know that feeling you get, when you lay in bed and feel warm and comforted just by thinking about that person.. when your heart skips a beat just by hearing his voice. I can guarantee you, that if i married my fiance - i could predict where we would be in 10 years. He would be going to work early in the AM, i would go to work, drop the kids off at the babysitters or daycare, come home from work, make dinner, he would come home, we would bathe the kids, then by the end of the night we would both be way too tired to even enjoy eachother's company. We would never travel, or see the world. We would never try new foods, we wouldn't even fight because at the end of the day we are both too tired to even bother on a marriage that doesn't even work anymore... This time away from dating, and being in love has been so inspiring and has really taught me so much about myself. Take food for instance, I hate plain pizza! I have been "so and so's" girlfriend for so long that I lost who I really was.. I love thin crust pizza, with cheese and spinach and yummy goodness! I hate staying inside, something I had gotten so used to over the years.. I love breathing in the fresh air, and being around people.. As much as i thought i wasn't a very sexual person... god, am i ever. I want to fight with my husband until we rip each other's clothes off because we are so crazy about each other.. I want GREAT make up sex! I want to touch him, without it always leading to sex. I want to take drives through the country and enjoy eachother's conversation. There are so many things that I have been missing out on. I know that the thought of letting go of a relationship or marriage is a hard pill to swallow. No one wants to admit that they are no longer happy.. It took me a while to realize that wasn't the life that i wanted, BUT I am telling you.. once you let go; as hard as it will be in the beginning (because it's very hard), the end result will be SO worth it. I have never felt so empowered to take on the world! The minute I recover from surgery, I am volunteering at the hospital, to get some experience in for when I finish school. I want to help kids, I want to help people. I am more passionate about life now, than ever before.

There's no such thing as a perfect life, i know this. Let me tell you though, you are so worth every ounce of happiness that this world has to offer. You deserve someone who knows your down, without even looking at you.. there is a connection that I always talk about.. unless you have felt it, there is no way to possibly understand what you're missing out on. You deserve to be given an amazing back massage after a long day at work, or random kisses on the neck to show that you are cared for and protected. Every single person on this earth deserves that, and it's sad that there are a lot of people out there in a relationship or marriage don't even remember what it feels like to be touched.. really, touched. It's amazing what illness can teach someone; i know that life is so much more precious than you would ever imagine. People might wonder, why did you even say yes to a proposal? Honestly, I was comfortable. As a society, we are taught that happiness is what you make of it. Wrong, happiness is SO much more than what we make of it. You deserve to be everything BUT comfortable. My life became a routine, I was not living.. I know that cinderella and beauty and the beast are just fairytales.. but behind all of those stories is a message.. at the end of the day, we have a choice.. choose to be happy, as hard as it may be. Somewhere, in this great big world.. your happiness is waiting! I keep thinking about how happy I could make this person. At the end of the day, though.. I have to trust that if any of it is meant to be.. it will be. Me of all people know that life is full of hardships, and roller coasters. One thing I do know, is that there is so much I have to offer to the world and.. SO DO YOU!

I want to find someone who I can spend my Sunday mornings with, laying in bed.. holding each other. I want someone who I am so intimately connected with, that I can take baths with and drink wine.. I want us to read our own separate books before bed, and instead of having the tv on at night, I want to lay on the couch and enjoy each others company.. I want to go to the farmers market on a Saturday morning, and cook dinner together with at night. I want a partner in life - I don't want to find someone to complete me, I want to find someone that compliments me. I want to rub your back when you're tired and stressed, or run my nails across your head to relieve tension. I want to have a family, kids that enjoy spending time with their mom and dad. I want to take family trips, and make memories.. maybe take a few pictures along the way. I want to make my husband and kids breakfast in the morning, and rush them to school because the alarm didn't go off.. i want to help their tummy aches, and kiss their scrapes and bruises.. I want to decorate the house as a family for all of the exciting holidays. Most of all though, I'm ready to love again..

Before I say goodnight, I want to leave you with one more thought.. at the end of your life, when you're on your death bed; all those materialistic things will mean nothing.. the long hours at work, the expensive car and the big house.. none of that means anything. Those things, you will not remember.. it's the moments you create with the ones you love that you will remember and take with you.. There will come a time that you will have to look back on your life...... make sure it's worth watching <3

Whoever is upstairs, and answers all the prayers.. please take mine with great consideration. This could really be a good life!!

Until next time
xo