What a month this has been! I never quite grasped how fast and drastic life could change, in such a short period of time. I have experienced so many changes in the last few weeks, I don't really know where to begin. I was never someone who welcomed change too well; the thought actually freaks me out. Blame that on a childhood filled with unwelcome change, perhaps? Change was never a good thing when I was little.. it usually meant I had to get used to losing someone, and never getting them back. We're programmed to fear change, in every aspect of our life. As I get older, I've kind of learned to embrace change. Trust me though, that state of mind didn't happen overnight.
When the reality I had built for myself, began to crumble in front of me - i got scared. This so called "expectation" that society holds on us was the little devil on my shoulder telling me not to back out. I thought I had it all, maybe a part of me was convinced that it wasn't right. They usually say, if it aint broke; don't fix it? "They".. who are "they" anyways? Well, in my case.. it was broke. I was in a relationship with a man i thought I was going to marry. He was my first, for everything. Maybe firsts are just that. Maybe they're not meant to be anything more. They teach you things about yourself; what you want, and what you don't. Regardless.. the big guy upstairs had bigger plans for me. I'm not going to say it's been easy, because it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do (besides losing my nana and papa). At the beginning, I doubted my decision. The little guy on my shoulder kept telling me to run back to him.. but deep down, this time was different. I have so much to offer the world, and for the first time in a long time.. I feel like there is a man out there, that will appreciate me for me. I heard a quote this week that really resonated with me.. look for someone to complement you, not complete you. I am my own person, and I deserve to live my life as such. I don't want to be someone's other half, I don't even want to be someone's everything. I want to find the one person in the world that fits me. I never quite understood the saying "they fit like a glove". I know I used to say it a lot about my nana and papa jack's love, but until now - i never quite understood the meaning.
Don't be fooled. Although I have my moments of weakness, where I break down and cry; i know that everything I am going through will be worth it. The pain, the tears, the heartache - it will all be worth it. I am so looking forward to starting that new page in my life. The page where I get to be a wife, and a mother, and my husbands best friend. I don't quite know who that might be right now but I know that when I am starring my little family in the eye, I will remind myself that by gosh, it was worth it!!
Until next time..
xo
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