Absolutely, pooped!

This is not exactly the kind of blog that I wanted to proceed after my tribute to my dear childhood friend. I always promised myself that I would tell you how it truly is; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It has been almost 9 months since this stupid tumor was found. I can't exactly say I've been loving it, but it hasn't necessarily "cramped my style" however kids today say it. It's funny how during your school years, you always seem to be in the know. Every word in the english dictionary can be said in some "cool" way. At least until an adult tries to say it. Then.. it's the lamest word in the english language. Anyways, this blog isn't about school nor is it about how to be cool in an ever expanding generation of tech-savy young kids. This blog post, is exactly as the title describes it..

Dealing with pain is something I've gotten good at over the years. Blame it on the meds that help me fight the pain, or blame it on a strong-willed personality, not willing to give up. Whichever way you look at, I know what it's like to live every second of your day in pain. Granted, my tumor has doubled in size since it was first found.. life has been pretty good up until this last month. It seems like my last menstrual cycle (which may I add is far and few between. I'm talking like, 3-4 times a year.. if that) was what started this whole series of progressive events. I dealt with the bloating well enough, knowing what times of day were worse than others. The actual pain I would feel was minimal due to the pain meds I have been on. I don't want to necessarily say it's been smooth sailing these last 9 months, but it's been bearable. I know this is probably TMI *too much information*, again with the "cool" lesson...This is what you signed up for though.. I'm honest in every aspect of my life, why wouldn't i be when it comes to my life blog.. my last menstrual cycle was horrible. For those of you who have had kids, save it. I know childbirth is horrible, and one day (hopefully) god permitting, I will get to experience it but for now, this is all I have to compare to. Think about how you contract during labor. Well, that's what my weekend looked like a few weeks ago. My lower pelvis, and lower abdomen were actually contracting and hardening. There are a few theories as to why my body would be contracting, while not being pregnant. My GYN (the one that will be performing my surgery in September) thinks it could be my body trying to contract the mass out, which makes sense. It's a foreign object in my abdomen, I don't blame it for wanting to push it out.. I hate it, and I'm not a confined uterus.

Fast-forward a few weeks, and here we are. If I don't remain constant with taking my pain meds, I end up suffering pretty heavily during the day. My lupus is aggravated, and doing a whole bunch of stupid things. I've had a fever pretty much every day for the last little while (which totally effects your day, can i say!). Not to mention, my lower abdomen/pelvis feeling like it's been hit with a baseball bat several times. I know, I know.. I sound like I'm complaining. I'm really not. This is just my safe haven to vent, my frustrations, my smiles, and my tears. To get back to the purpose of this post, before I go off on a totally random rant. My bowels are taking a real beat up by this stupid thing, it's really beginning to take up room in me.. I'm finding I feel nauseous quite easily after eating a meal (which helps with the weight loss journey, i guess). Regardless, my bowels are really fighting back. I have been absolutely, pooped! (No pun intended).. A few days ago, I started having a really hard time going to the bathroom. The amount of pressure I feel in my pelvis whenever I need to have bowel movement is absolutely awful. By this evening, I have ceased being able to even go. Docusate? Yes please! It's right beside my bed, I plan on taking some before I go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad.. I do get a laugh out of myself every once in a while. It's just hard to be 9 months in with an almost 14 cm mass off of ONE ovary. It's like, one boob being bigger than the other.. I mean, there's fare, and there's.. god, seriously? I've also started to notice the right side of my pelvis has begun to bulge out.. it's about the size of two pennies but it's definitely visible. I talked to my GYN and asked her if she thought it was the mass beginning to bulge and become visible (which would make sense.. when something gets too big, it has nowhere else to go but out) To be quite honest, it kind of scared me. For the last 9 months, I have been able to feel my mass in my abdomen but it wasn't until this incident that I've really been able to see it.. not exactly something someone wants to witness, especially at 22.

What a journey! At least I can say it's never a dull moment at my house!! Ever get bored in your life? Feel free to live mine for a day! Anywho, it's late and I need to start winding down for the night.. youtube, here i come!

Until next time,
xo