What a day! Never mind the day, the day was good.. what i should be saying is, what a day living with this ';two-ma;'. I think up to now, I've been dealing with this whole thing pretty well. I mean, i have my days but who doesn't! You guys all know that I have been freaking out over this surgery for quite some time. Not so much the surgery itself but more the "what could happen" while i'm asleep.. Due to the fact that I am considered a "high-risk" patient because of my lupus kind of freaks me out a little bit.. To be honest, I let it get the best of me for quite a few weeks. Now, though; the closer we get to surgery time, the thought of what will happen during surgery doesn't necessarily scare me as much. It's what might happen AFTER surgery that has been occupying my mind. When you have a doctor tell you that there could be even a slight chance of your tumors being malignant, you start to think about the things that are important to you.. was that donut i wanted to eat during the day so bad after all? Instead of taking the highway home to get there quicker, maybe i should have taken the back roads and take in the drive like i usually do. It's crazy what we think about when we're forced to re-evaluate our mortality. I have had this happen before.. where a radiologist thinks i have cancer but everything is clear on the biopsy. The only thing that scares me this time around is all of the changes that I've seen in my body; changes that I've never experienced before with any of my other tumors. I guess the moral of the story is, enjoy the second, minutes, and hours in your life today.. kiss your babies more than usual, treat yourself to that yummy donut you've been eyeing for weeks. Life is so damn short and I know I've said it before, but it's really beginning to show meaning now. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, so for right now.. I'm going to embrace the fact that I DON'T have a cancer diagnosis.. not yet at least.. I am enjoying this month the way I want to enjoy it.. because, come next month.. my life could change forever...
Until next time,
xo
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