It's Going to be A...........

I found a really crazy video on youtube of a woman and her husband interacting with their baby... I want that!!!


Do you remember when you were a child, when you thought you knew everything about life. "NO, mommy! It's supposed to be like this *while throwing a fit*". Now a days, you probably look at your children and think "No, there is no way i ever did that! I was a good kid!" Well, I want the chance to compare the difference. There are so many things that we take for granted in a day; whether it's taking granted of the people we love, or taking for granted how easy some people can "just get pregnant".

I remember my gynaecologist telling me shortly after my last surgery, that whoever i ended up with, would have to know that it would be struggle to get pregnant. At the time, I think I was about 18 years old and having come to terms with the choice of removing my ovaries had been something that I had been dealing with for a very long time. It almost became something that I knew I had to do. At the time, I was still young.. thinking about marriage and children was not necessarily something that every 18 year old has to think about. Although from a young age I knew I wanted to get married and have children.. I never quite imagined that the decision of taking that away from me was even an option. You grow up as a kid playing house in your basement with your best friend, your cousin, your baby brother, and a neighbour; imagining this perfect life for yourself. Daddy goes to work, mommy stays home, mommy cooks and cleans, mom feeds baby and puts baby to bed until daddy gets home. As kids, our clarity on the world hasn't really hit it's peak. Look at it this way.. when i was playing dress-up in the front of my nana and papa jack's house; i never quite imagined that eventually, that aspect of my life would be taken away. I never dreamed that I wouldn't go to my senior prom, or graduate with my friends. All of the special, and at the time "important" things.. weren't so important anymore.

That old saying about lemons and lemonade is funny.. i think what it really means is; you go through life either accepting what you've been dealt, or trying to change it. Regardless of which way you go, we somehow always know how to shift into gears. When I was 15 years old and started getting sick, I always thought that was the extent of what i would be dealing with for the rest of my life. Until, something more important needs your attention and then somehow, you tune into gear once again. We're always dealing with something, those wheels are always changing.. and we're constantly having to make lemonade outta those lemons! Where it's Lupus, or now this mass.. I shift gears and get ready for this fight! Until the next day, and the next day when my strength is needed elsewhere.

My doctor has always told me to look at the world this way.. at least pertaining to pregnancy and having children. After all she is an OBGYN, that is kind of her job! I remember her telling me that sometimes god gives good people babies to care for, and sometimes god doesn't do so good in his judgement; but, either way, wouldn't you rather have the storm before the calm - you will have a miracle baby; a baby that you thank god for, every single day of your life. A baby that was truly, truly wanted that both it's mommy and daddy fought hard to have. You learn to appreciate things more, when they're not just handed to you.. I remember feeling so comforted with the knowledge that regardless how long it takes, or where it come from.. it was your miracle baby, something that you and your partner wanted more than anything in this world. It's amazing how, it doesn't matter what your religious background is, your ethnicity, your education, or even the colour of your skin.. when it comes to what we want in life, we will fight tooth and nail to get it. Trying to remain positive, even through adversity is one of the most important things. Like I've said before.. I'm not naive, never have been, never will be.. but what i do know is that through all of the hard, scary, painful, and heartwarming experiences i have gone through, staying positive and telling yourself that you have the strength to achieve your goals.. can only bring you closer. As far as I'm concerned, there are 2 types of people in this world. There are those who gravitate to a more positive way of thinking, and then there are those who gravitate to the negative way of thinking. I try, really really hard (and no it doesn't always work) but I try really hard to remain optimistic.. I have my days where i grieve, and feel like shutting down but then i remind myself how fortunate i am to be breathing and be alive.. i kind of give myself the kick in the butt that i need to look at life a little differently.

My source of strength will be those little blue booties, and the pink nursery hat. I'm planning on bringing them to the hospital with me to sit on my bedside table. That way, when I feel like giving up.. I look at those 2 things, and remember why I'm fighting so hard. I was telling my family how full circle it will be when I get to put them on my baby boy or girl.. it will signify all the heartache i had to endure before they could come into the world. I know for some, this might be totally cheesy but if you understood how much i adore children, and for how long I have wanted to have my own.. then maybe you would understand. Someone once told me that next to social work, i am meant to have children and raise them. I know being a social worker and being a mom is a totally different thing but for you ladies that are reading this, you know what I'm talking about. There is this maternal thing inside of us that some people have and some people don't.. there is nothing wrong with that though. Just like there are some dads that just have it.. it doesn't mean that you don't know how to take care of your kids if you don't have it.. it just means that inner part of you that just clicks.. it's so hard to explain unless you already know what I'm talking about.

You might be asking yourself why I chose NOW of all times to do a pregnancy blog.. I mean, you're probably thinking.. you're not even married! Well, my answer to that is, sometimes we're forced to make decisions that we really don't want to have to make. Unfortunately for me, that time might be sooner rather than later. At the end of the day, I have to be really with myself... I know that there is a possibility my ovaries might need to be removed.. I also know, that if things are too my messy, a hysterectomy is a possibility too.. All decisions that I never wanted to have to make.

So, here I am left with my dreams.. hoping, wishing, praying.. that they come true........ I want to have an intimate, and loving relationship with my future husband, I want to know what it feels like to go to the store and purchase a pregnancy test and NOT see 1 stripe instead of 2. I want to know what it feels like to wait and be excited for what the test will show! That feeling, that makes you want to laugh, and cry, and run around the entire house screaming.. I want to find out the gender of my baby, and hide it from my friends and family so that it's a surprise.. I want to go little dress shopping, or toy car shopping! I want to decorate my baby's nursery, and sit on the rocking chair every night before the baby comes. I want to feel my baby's heartbeat for the first time, I want to feel my baby hiccup while my husband and I are lying in bed at night.. or watching my husband start to tear up when he feels his babys hand touching him through my belly. I can't wait for the day I go into labour, regardless of how much pain that is.. just so my husband and I can see our precious little baby. I want my husband to hold me, and rub my back slowly, with an intimate connection progressing through labour. Most of all though, I dream of the day my husband and I can meet our beautiful baby for the first time. The first bonding experience, just my husband and I.

I dream of the day... I become a mom <3


Until next time...
xo