I have been thinking a lot about heaven, and what that all means. I think it's a pretty good question to ask, don't you? What comes after all of this? Do we go somewhere filled with peace and happiness, or is this it? The scientific part of me says, how could there possibly be something more.. lucky for me though, the spiritual part of me is a lot stronger ;)
I went through a phase a few years ago, where church and God played an integral part of my life. I had a rosary in my car, i wore a cross around my neck, and i was protected by a beautiful pink rosary over my bed. That, however, was years ago.. and I'd like to think I grew up a little bit since all of that. Don't get me wrong, I think it's very important to have a strong faith, to believe in something BUT, who would I be to tell you what that is.. I think that religion and spirituality is something we all have to figure out for ourselves. I can't really say I'm much of a religious person nowadays.. I have my beliefs, and I have faith, but it's on more of a spiritual level. I think that's the most interesting part about growing up.. you figure things out about yourself that unlocks one more door to becoming the person you are meant to be. I feel very strongly however, about people who push their faith on others. I'm not going to name one denomination over another because I know that is not the case at all.. I think it all depends on the person. When I have children, I want them to figure it out for themselves; I want them to have the freedom to choose, the freedom to explore what they believe - i think that is SO important, it allows us to grow into individuals. It's actually quite funny how our views change over the years.. how different people we become based on the type of experiences we go through in life. When I was a little girl, I always knew I wanted to get married and have children. I was brought up in a family that placed church and god on a pedestal. My parents, not so much but definitely my extended family. I was brought up to believe that everyone got married in a church, in God's house. Whether it's because I'm Croatian, or just because europeans can be loud and obnoxious (LOL).. I was brought up to believe that weddings were a big festivity; something that had to be done, or else! As a young girl, I always knew that I wanted the BIG wedding, in a church, inviting everyone you know, and everyone who "knows" you. BOY, have things changed!! I am definitely not that same little girl.. Don't get me wrong, if that's what you want, or what you had.. all the more power to you! I just couldn't do it.. To me, God is a much more intimate subject.. With everything that I have had to go through, I have really grown to embrace my "unique" relationship with God. I don't go to church every weekend, actually.. I don't really go to church, ever. My personal beliefs are that, you don't need to go to church to feel close to God. I know it's different for everybody, but that is what works for me.. I feel closer to God laying on the grass, looking up at the sky and breathing in the beautiful air.. Now a days, I would be content getting married outside, in front of a small number of people.. that's my dream. Marriage, and unity is such an intimate experience, I don't believe you need your entire family there for it to matter.. call me old fashioned :p
If I had the choice, to create my own idea of heaven.. I would hope that everyone and anyone who has ever made a difference in your life.. is there to guide you when the time comes. I would hope that the transition between this world and heaven, would be that of growth and enlightenment. I've always said that if it were my way, I would spend eternity in my nana and papa jack's backyard, swimming in the pool and enjoying a massive family get together of those passed.. when I think of heaven, I think of tranquility.. I would want everyone to be there, being the age that they were happiest. There is this movie that I always go back to when I think of heaven and what it might be like, and that is "What Dreams May Come" with Robbin Williams.. time stops, children never grow up, heaven being what our idea of it was here on earth. Who knows if all of that exists.. I would like to think it does.. because this life that I have created, the people i have met, my family; they mean more to me than life itself and I would never want it any other way. Let's hope that I go through that when I'm old and grey with my husband and children by my side.
I can't say for certain that all of that exists, but i definitely know what I feel. Lately, I have been thinking about my Nana and Papa Jack. Maybe it's because I will be going in for surgery soon.. and that is always a scary thing. I don't really know.. I had found myself, for a while now, not thinking about them.. sometimes, it's much too hard remembering all of the times we had shared and how much our family dynamic has changed since they passed away.. Sometimes, when I'm laying in bed looking at the ceiling (which I do often! lol.. I like the tranquility of being alone).. I feel them around me, and that comforts me. It's strange.. when I had my hypertensive crisis a few years ago, I remember being taken off the ambulance into emerge and not being able to see my mom (who drove in the car behind us). I was terrified, I think it's the most scared I have ever been. I was lying on the gurney, hooked up to all of these devices and i had this feeling of calm come over me.. i started singing "don't sit under the apple tree" by the Andrews Sisters and "Qai Sera Sera" by Doris Day.. (those were 2 of my nana's favourite songs). I remember feeling them all around me, telling me that no matter what happened, everything was going to be okay.
Whatever comes after all of this.. I just hope it's beautiful, and I hope it's everything that people say it is.. how could it not be.. there are just WAY to many "coincidences" and miracles for there not to be...
Until next time...
xo
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