Well, Well.. look who it is! I'm surprised to see you here!! I know I know, I was supposed to be "exhausted" Well.. that only lasted 5 seconds. I actually haven't taken my sleeping pill yet but I definitely intend to so that I can get some proper sleep tonight. The unflattering truth is.. I am SO bloated!! More indigestion than anything else.. mind you, it's probably because of all the water I'm drinking. It's kind of contradictory right.. taking diuretics to try and reduce water retention, but yet you're supposed to drink water silly. Who's complaining though, I love a big tall glass of cold water! What ever this pill is doing, it's definitely working! I have been peeing like a race horse, not that I know how much a race horse pees but what ever kind of retention i have in my body, it's definitely being flushed out; I just can't wait for the bloating to stop! Wouldn't that be the best day..
I am currently up helping one of my dad's friends. As I'm sure you've probably already noticed by now, I love helping people - whether it's in a hospital setting or not; its my passion.. My dad came to me asking for a favour; one of his friends at work is struggling finding his wife a job. With how tough these times are, being an immigrant to Canada, she has not had very much work here. I told him I would help her write her resume, so - that is what I'm doing! I was just about to start typing it up when I decided to pop onto my blog and write a little bit.. I have really had the urge to write this last little while.
The truth is, I don't really know what to do; I'm all over the place. I know that people deserve a second chance.. but when does that second chance turn into a fourth, fifth, and sixth chance? A part of me just wants so much more for myself. With me going in for surgery in the next few weeks, a part of me wants so badly to start fresh. Let this new chapter in my life happen, give me the opportunity to follow all of my dreams. It's hard, I have been trying for so long to justify my relationship but I am just running out of reasons. I don't feel that spark anymore, that longing for him. To tell you the truth, my heart has kind of been elsewhere for a little bit. I don't even know how it happened, really. It wasn't like I was looking for it, or trying to find something there. All of a sudden, I just looked at him and felt different; I'm nervous when I'm around him, I feel fireworks going off in my stomach when I talk to him. What is wrong with me! There is no way, he would ever want to be with me - as badly as I would want to be with him. With surgery coming up, you ask yourself so many questions.. There is no way I could tell him, even if I wanted to (which I do). If I had some kind of feeling that he may be interested too, then maybe i would.
You know that feeling that you get when you are attracted to someone? That comfort.. knowing that you're safe, and loved. I so want to feel that way again.. just hearing his voice makes me calm, and I don't know too many people that can do that. Except maybe for John Tesh - that man, can put a girl to sleep happy and safe! Quite honestly, even if he did feel something for me (which he probably doesn't) I think we would both be too scared to do anything about it.. I don't expect a lot from people. I am a pretty down to earth girl, and I definitely don't get mad easily. I just wish for even a moment with him, I would show every part of me.. my soft side, my wild side, my maternal side, my loving side. If only a girl can dream, right...
I have to be honest with myself, there are not a lot of men out there that are looking for my kind of baggage. They don't want to have to deal with that. When i tried dating, I had one guy tell me that he didn't want to give us a chance because he didn't want to grow feelings and deal with the grief of losing a wife & partner. How do you tell someone that? I know there's no vows in the beginning.. I'm not stupid but if that's the case; no one will ever want to be with me. Let's be honest here.. that's all I ever am; Lupus is a disease that kills. Not always, but it does. How can i expect someone else to have to get used to it when I even had a hard time getting used to it at the beginning.
If he were to ever read this, which i doubt.. I hope he sees how amazing I think he is. I would give anything for the chance to be with a man half as good as he is. I hope he knows how much he truly deserves.. I want someone to look at me, and tell me that I'm beautiful. Regardless of all the crap that I have to deal with.. I want him to hold my hair when I'm sick, and kiss my head when I have a fever. I want to be loved. I know my ex thinks that he loves me, but one day.. I hope he sees what love is truly like because I don't think that what we had was it.
I might do a fun blog after this one.. I got too serious tonight!!
****DON'T FORGET**** Please leave comments!! I want to hear your feedback :)
Until next time,
xo
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