Lets up the ante!!

I am slowly growing into the reality that nights are my designated blogging times. I don't know what it is about thinking in the dark, but when the world is calm - my best thoughts come in to play. Tomorrow is one of my ever dreaded days.. i am undergoing my 500th pelvic/vaginal ultrasound to check in on the mass. Every few weeks, I am either going for an MRI or an ultrasound - nevertheless, some sort of imaging procedure is being performed.

To be totally honest though.. since this is a blog based on honesty. I am so scared to get this over with.. There are 2 things that could happen. I could go in tomorrow, and find out that everything has stayed the same.. no increase in size, no decrease in size; ultimately, in a perfect world - what you would want to happen. Second thing that could happen, is that we find out the tumor has gotten bigger which, depending on the size.. could mean a lot of things. The fate of my surgery date rests entirely on tomorrow.. i think that's what the scary part about this whole thing is. I'm used to going for imaging tests, what I'm not used to though is having to make decisions that could effect the rest of my life. I obviously want this thing out, I guess I'm just nervous about what could happen if things don't go perfectly in the OR. My family and I have to make some pretty tough decisions within the next few weeks leading up to my surgery. One of the big questions is what happens to my ovaries? If my doctors go in and find a mess, my parents will have to make the tough final decision of whether or not have them take my ovaries. At the end of the day, this is something I have to talk to my gyno about because there is no way i can make a decision SO drastic without solid evidence that it will be in my best interest. Regardless, I will let you all know how tomorrow goes!!

You guys know, for as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom. I know that there are other ways of being a mom, that it doesn't have to be your biological child in order to feel like a mom. Adoption is definitely something i would consider down the line, but there is something about having your own baby.. feeling your baby kick for the first time or turn around in your belly.. hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time, or finding out the gender and decorating a nursery! There are so many thing that I want to at least experience once before going down any other routes. I'm not going to go too much into that quite yet because I'm hoping to do a separate blog entry on pregnancy.

Thank you all so much for listening to my worries, and calming my fears.. i know it will happen for me one day...

Until next time...
xo