With all of the uncertainty going on in my life right now, I needed something to hold on to. It can be a pretty lonely place you know, thinking that all the dreams you've ever had could be taken away in an instance. I was having a particularly low moment today while I was waiting for my mom to finish work. It didn't make sense for me to go home for an 30 minutes, and then drive all the way back. So, I made best of the time that I had and experienced a lot of clarity throughout all of the uncertainty. I have always wanted to be a mom, from the time I could walk and talk, I knew that's what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't want to be just any mom either, I wanted to be involved in my kids lives, I wanted them to learn things from me, and take memories that would last a lifetime. We all have our talents, some play amazing music, some enjoy theatre and singing, for me though.. being a mom has always been my number one priority. If I only ever raised my children and had a beautiful marriage; my life would be complete. Why is it that the people who want it the most, have the hardest time achieving it? My doctor always told me, look at it this way.. if you have to work really really hard at it, it would mean much more to you than someone who can "just get pregnant". You would never take your children for granted, a single day in your life. I really loved the way she turned it around for me.. it gave me hope for the future. I would rather have to work hard to become a mom, then to just be "given it".. That was, 3 years ago.. crazy long ago! A lot has changed.. yet a lot has also stayed the same. Today, while waiting for my mom.. I decided to go into the gift shop at the hospital she works at. i was immediately drawn to all of the baby stuff.. there was tons of beautiful things. After looking around the shop, passing the area that sells all of the cancer gear.. a little fire was lit in my heart.. a fire of strength, courage, and the will to survive. I decided to pick out a few baby things, and purchased them for myself. No matter what happens with this surgery, whether it's just a tumor that needs to be taken out or it's cancer and i have to get a total hysterectomy, either way.. those little booties at that little hat will give me the strength and the motivation to continue on.. it will remind me that no matter what happens, it WILL happen for me.. I will not give up, and I will continue to fight until my dream of being a mom comes true..
to my future babies.. I hope you know how much mommy wanted you in her life; you are the reason i continue to wake up each day. Mommy loves you.
Until next time,
xo
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