I Don't Want To Close My Eyes

Have you ever heard those sappy love songs from the 80's and 90's that we all say we hate but secretly love. You hear it time and time again; "I don't want to close my eyes" but you don't fully know what it means. I was laying in bed thinking about a certain someone and it kind of hit me. I know what they are talking about.. if I ever had the chance to be with him, I wouldn't want to close my eyes for a second.. afraid that if you blink, it could all be taken away. That's our biggest fear, right? Being alone? Wrong! At least not for me.. my biggest fear is making a commitment to someone that I know I don't have a connection with. I'm almost relieved that things ended between my fiance and I. Before you think to yourself "that's a harsh thing to say about someone you were engaged to" trust me, I know. You see.. there is a difference between a marriage of convenience and a marriage of love and connection. I don't believe in fairytales, I'm not naive. I know that people fight, I know that no relationship or marriage is easy but I've had a glimpse of what a true connection is; he probably doesn't even know i exist which is the sad part. You know that feeling you get, when you lay in bed and feel warm and comforted just by thinking about that person.. when your heart skips a beat just by hearing his voice. I can guarantee you, that if i married my fiance - i could predict where we would be in 10 years. He would be going to work early in the AM, i would go to work, drop the kids off at the babysitters or daycare, come home from work, make dinner, he would come home, we would bathe the kids, then by the end of the night we would both be way too tired to even enjoy eachother's company. We would never travel, or see the world. We would never try new foods, we wouldn't even fight because at the end of the day we are both too tired to even bother on a marriage that doesn't even work anymore... This time away from dating, and being in love has been so inspiring and has really taught me so much about myself. Take food for instance, I hate plain pizza! I have been "so and so's" girlfriend for so long that I lost who I really was.. I love thin crust pizza, with cheese and spinach and yummy goodness! I hate staying inside, something I had gotten so used to over the years.. I love breathing in the fresh air, and being around people.. As much as i thought i wasn't a very sexual person... god, am i ever. I want to fight with my husband until we rip each other's clothes off because we are so crazy about each other.. I want GREAT make up sex! I want to touch him, without it always leading to sex. I want to take drives through the country and enjoy eachother's conversation. There are so many things that I have been missing out on. I know that the thought of letting go of a relationship or marriage is a hard pill to swallow. No one wants to admit that they are no longer happy.. It took me a while to realize that wasn't the life that i wanted, BUT I am telling you.. once you let go; as hard as it will be in the beginning (because it's very hard), the end result will be SO worth it. I have never felt so empowered to take on the world! The minute I recover from surgery, I am volunteering at the hospital, to get some experience in for when I finish school. I want to help kids, I want to help people. I am more passionate about life now, than ever before.

There's no such thing as a perfect life, i know this. Let me tell you though, you are so worth every ounce of happiness that this world has to offer. You deserve someone who knows your down, without even looking at you.. there is a connection that I always talk about.. unless you have felt it, there is no way to possibly understand what you're missing out on. You deserve to be given an amazing back massage after a long day at work, or random kisses on the neck to show that you are cared for and protected. Every single person on this earth deserves that, and it's sad that there are a lot of people out there in a relationship or marriage don't even remember what it feels like to be touched.. really, touched. It's amazing what illness can teach someone; i know that life is so much more precious than you would ever imagine. People might wonder, why did you even say yes to a proposal? Honestly, I was comfortable. As a society, we are taught that happiness is what you make of it. Wrong, happiness is SO much more than what we make of it. You deserve to be everything BUT comfortable. My life became a routine, I was not living.. I know that cinderella and beauty and the beast are just fairytales.. but behind all of those stories is a message.. at the end of the day, we have a choice.. choose to be happy, as hard as it may be. Somewhere, in this great big world.. your happiness is waiting! I keep thinking about how happy I could make this person. At the end of the day, though.. I have to trust that if any of it is meant to be.. it will be. Me of all people know that life is full of hardships, and roller coasters. One thing I do know, is that there is so much I have to offer to the world and.. SO DO YOU!

I want to find someone who I can spend my Sunday mornings with, laying in bed.. holding each other. I want someone who I am so intimately connected with, that I can take baths with and drink wine.. I want us to read our own separate books before bed, and instead of having the tv on at night, I want to lay on the couch and enjoy each others company.. I want to go to the farmers market on a Saturday morning, and cook dinner together with at night. I want a partner in life - I don't want to find someone to complete me, I want to find someone that compliments me. I want to rub your back when you're tired and stressed, or run my nails across your head to relieve tension. I want to have a family, kids that enjoy spending time with their mom and dad. I want to take family trips, and make memories.. maybe take a few pictures along the way. I want to make my husband and kids breakfast in the morning, and rush them to school because the alarm didn't go off.. i want to help their tummy aches, and kiss their scrapes and bruises.. I want to decorate the house as a family for all of the exciting holidays. Most of all though, I'm ready to love again..

Before I say goodnight, I want to leave you with one more thought.. at the end of your life, when you're on your death bed; all those materialistic things will mean nothing.. the long hours at work, the expensive car and the big house.. none of that means anything. Those things, you will not remember.. it's the moments you create with the ones you love that you will remember and take with you.. There will come a time that you will have to look back on your life...... make sure it's worth watching <3

Whoever is upstairs, and answers all the prayers.. please take mine with great consideration. This could really be a good life!!

Until next time
xo

Rough. Day.

I wish today could have been easier, but maybe to some, my life is easier. There are people out there that are struggling for their next breath, or struggling to stay alive. In the grand scheme of things; i have it pretty good. Incase you haven't noticed, we're all dealing with something. I think I'm still allowed to have my own struggles, regardless of what the next person may be going through. If that were the case, we would never allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve, or to feel pain because somewhere out there - someone is suffering more. I may not have cancer, or a ventilator to help me breathe but for right now - i'm going to allow myself this second of self-pity. I don't know what it's like to go through chemotherapy, and maybe (hopefully not) I might have to. For right now though, this is my own personal struggle; living with a disease that takes no prisoners, trying to go through day to day life with a tumor the size of a football in my pelvis. I'm not going to pretend to be some sort of hero and say that I never complain, because i do. I think when God (or whichever you believe in) gives you a tough pill to swallow; you deserve a moment to feel sorry for yourself. For the last 7 years, this is all I have known so yeah, it does get to be a little too much. I try every day to be a good person, and do good things; make a difference in the world - you know? Most days, I will wake up with a smile on my face, regardless of the struggles that are presenting themselves that day. Life can be beautiful, and that's what I usually try to make it. However, not every day is cream coloured ponies and warm apple strudels. Doorbells and sleigh bells with snitchel and noodles! Somtimes, I want my damn pie and I want to eat it too!! I know life isn't perfect, and although I try to stay optimistic.. some days.. are just plain ROUGH! To all of the people in the world who are suffering.. here's to you kid**hugs N kisses**

Until next time...
xo

Don't mind my gland......

Beep, be-beep, beep --- beep! Don't mind this stupid thing. You know, the thing that has been trying to send me signals for the last few weeks. Oh, THAT! Don't mind that. Wanna know the reason for all of this morse code? Blame it on my lymphatic system. We all know what lymph nodes are, RIGHT class? Well, my last MRI showed that a few of my lymph nodes were enlarged. Ok, cool. I wouldn't be able to tell you where my lymph nodes were, even if you pointed to them! Apparently, my body has been trying to send weird signals for the last few weeks and stupid me, didn't even notice them. I was trying to look for the most obvious answer, when.. well, the most obvious answer was staring me right in the face. I don't know for CERTAIN that's what it is.. but I have a pretty good idea of what those masses protruding from my pelvis were. I think I was watching something on the news, 11pm news to be exact.. about a teen in the area who had contracted measles. The doctor that treated him, was talking about the glands in his neck be enlarged and it clicked. Where are all of the glands in the pelvis located? After looking up the lymphatic system on trusty, old' Google.. I found what I had been looking everywhere else for! All of the areas that I've had mass-looking protrusions in, are where the glands in the pelvis are found. Don't ask me what all of this means, because.. I don't really know. What I do know, is that my body is fighting off something! Which would explain my intense fatigue that I've been experiencing these last few weeks. There must be something going on with this tumor for all of my glands and lymph nodes to be enlarged. I'm planning on talking to my doctor at some point today, so hopefully I'll find out what all of this means...

Until next time,
xo

Totally FLIP'D out!!

I did it! I gave in to the hype! I typically don't like to follow the hype of online stuff but this time.. I gave in! On Saturday, after a wonderful meal at Jack Astors - I walked my little hynnie over to Best Buy and made a purchase that I have been debating for at least over a month. I decided to take some time and weigh my options, BUT after a month of relentless nagging at my conscience I decided to take the plunge! Not only do I do alot of travelling, (a trip coming up in just a few weeks time with my mom), I thought it would be an awesome tool to document the next chapters of my life. With surgery coming up, and the recovery process of that.. not to mention, marriage and kids - this seemed like an awesomely justifiable splurge. Not to mention, the smaller GB of Flips start at $ 79.00! I was totally sold. Anywho, just thought I would let y'all know that as soon as I figure out how to work imovie, I will be coming to a computer near you.. in HD!

Until next time,
xo

Surgery... WHAT!

{I could not find anything in direct size to my tumor but here is an example of a 5cm tumor.. picture 3 of these together. Fun, right? (not) }

You guessed it, folks! I am FINALLY getting this darn thing out.. It has been 8 months (9 once surgery roles around) since this stupid tumor was found. Why did it take so long you ask? Blame it on our sucky healthcare. I shouldn't be complaining, I know how much harder people in the states have it with no free health care. I just find it hard to believe that our healthcare today takes almost a year for a 22 year old girl with an almost 14cm tumor on her right ovary to get removed. Thank god for my amazing gynaecologist! The same one that believed for years that I was suffering from Lupus. She was actually the one that rallied behind me and my mom and referred me to the rheumatologist I have now. I am so blessed to have found such an amazing doctor, and even more blessed that this stupid tumor is not malignant!! This surgery kind of signifies a fresh start for me.. a new journey that I am so excited to begin :D I know this is a short blog, BUT are you curious to know how large 14cm's is? Take a look at the picture above! Right!! No wonder I've been having such a hard time going to the bathroom.. Have a wonderful week, everyone <3

Until next time,
xo

VERY BERRY!

Sticking with the, lets take care of our body theme - I have decided to give you guys a really quick, and simple recipe on how to prepare a nutritious and healthy start or end to any day! This recipe would almost seem too simple to warrant a recipe but I know that when I first started this journey 3 weeks ago, the eating healthy task seemed daunting. I hope you all try this at home, it is such a refreshing, simple treat!


Tools Needed:
1.) 1 large spoon & knife
2.) Blender or Food Processor
3.) 1 Large Glass


Ingredients:
1.) 1 cup of strawberries
2.) 1/4 cup of blueberries
3.) 4 large tablespoons of vanilla yogurt or 1 serving of yogurt cup (or as desired)
4.) 1 tsp of vanilla extract (you may substitute for 1 small pack of crystal light powder of your choice)
5.) 3/4 cup of ice cubs (or as desired)
6.) 1 large banana
7.) I also like to add about 1/4 cup of lactose free milk (I am lactose intolerant)

***Now, all you have to do is BLEND and ENJOY!***

I hope you will all try this at home! I absolutely love making one of these in the morning with or as my breakfast. If I want to get a double serving of my fruits, I might even make it again at night as a tasty little treat after dinner :) YUM!

Absolutely, pooped!

This is not exactly the kind of blog that I wanted to proceed after my tribute to my dear childhood friend. I always promised myself that I would tell you how it truly is; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It has been almost 9 months since this stupid tumor was found. I can't exactly say I've been loving it, but it hasn't necessarily "cramped my style" however kids today say it. It's funny how during your school years, you always seem to be in the know. Every word in the english dictionary can be said in some "cool" way. At least until an adult tries to say it. Then.. it's the lamest word in the english language. Anyways, this blog isn't about school nor is it about how to be cool in an ever expanding generation of tech-savy young kids. This blog post, is exactly as the title describes it..

Dealing with pain is something I've gotten good at over the years. Blame it on the meds that help me fight the pain, or blame it on a strong-willed personality, not willing to give up. Whichever way you look at, I know what it's like to live every second of your day in pain. Granted, my tumor has doubled in size since it was first found.. life has been pretty good up until this last month. It seems like my last menstrual cycle (which may I add is far and few between. I'm talking like, 3-4 times a year.. if that) was what started this whole series of progressive events. I dealt with the bloating well enough, knowing what times of day were worse than others. The actual pain I would feel was minimal due to the pain meds I have been on. I don't want to necessarily say it's been smooth sailing these last 9 months, but it's been bearable. I know this is probably TMI *too much information*, again with the "cool" lesson...This is what you signed up for though.. I'm honest in every aspect of my life, why wouldn't i be when it comes to my life blog.. my last menstrual cycle was horrible. For those of you who have had kids, save it. I know childbirth is horrible, and one day (hopefully) god permitting, I will get to experience it but for now, this is all I have to compare to. Think about how you contract during labor. Well, that's what my weekend looked like a few weeks ago. My lower pelvis, and lower abdomen were actually contracting and hardening. There are a few theories as to why my body would be contracting, while not being pregnant. My GYN (the one that will be performing my surgery in September) thinks it could be my body trying to contract the mass out, which makes sense. It's a foreign object in my abdomen, I don't blame it for wanting to push it out.. I hate it, and I'm not a confined uterus.

Fast-forward a few weeks, and here we are. If I don't remain constant with taking my pain meds, I end up suffering pretty heavily during the day. My lupus is aggravated, and doing a whole bunch of stupid things. I've had a fever pretty much every day for the last little while (which totally effects your day, can i say!). Not to mention, my lower abdomen/pelvis feeling like it's been hit with a baseball bat several times. I know, I know.. I sound like I'm complaining. I'm really not. This is just my safe haven to vent, my frustrations, my smiles, and my tears. To get back to the purpose of this post, before I go off on a totally random rant. My bowels are taking a real beat up by this stupid thing, it's really beginning to take up room in me.. I'm finding I feel nauseous quite easily after eating a meal (which helps with the weight loss journey, i guess). Regardless, my bowels are really fighting back. I have been absolutely, pooped! (No pun intended).. A few days ago, I started having a really hard time going to the bathroom. The amount of pressure I feel in my pelvis whenever I need to have bowel movement is absolutely awful. By this evening, I have ceased being able to even go. Docusate? Yes please! It's right beside my bed, I plan on taking some before I go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad.. I do get a laugh out of myself every once in a while. It's just hard to be 9 months in with an almost 14 cm mass off of ONE ovary. It's like, one boob being bigger than the other.. I mean, there's fare, and there's.. god, seriously? I've also started to notice the right side of my pelvis has begun to bulge out.. it's about the size of two pennies but it's definitely visible. I talked to my GYN and asked her if she thought it was the mass beginning to bulge and become visible (which would make sense.. when something gets too big, it has nowhere else to go but out) To be quite honest, it kind of scared me. For the last 9 months, I have been able to feel my mass in my abdomen but it wasn't until this incident that I've really been able to see it.. not exactly something someone wants to witness, especially at 22.

What a journey! At least I can say it's never a dull moment at my house!! Ever get bored in your life? Feel free to live mine for a day! Anywho, it's late and I need to start winding down for the night.. youtube, here i come!

Until next time,
xo

Rest in Peace, old friend.

Remember when I said, change is good. Well, let me correct myself. "Most" change is good, not all. What does it usually take for someone to re-assess their life, and what it's worth? I know you've heard it before.. Life is precious, don't waste a single second if it. You look back on life, and you see a small glimpse of your childhood. The snippet in time that will forever be engraved in your memory. The first memory that comes to mind, is of a loyal friend who I can't say I knew as an adult, but as a child; we were all dear friends.

Over the Canada Day weekend, a childhood friend of mine passed away in a tragic accident in cottage country. The first memory that comes to mind of her, was a sleepover that 5 of us had at a mutual friends house. I remember pulling an all-nighter that night, because we were all too scared to fall asleep in the dark. We had just performed what we thought was a seance, you know how kids are. The night was filled with laughter, and tears, and memories that I have remembered 15 years later.

I wanted to pay tribute to her. Even though I did not know her as a young adult, I will always remember the friendship we had as children... Rest in peace Nadia. May your angels lead you home...

Until next time,
xo

Change on the Horizon

Amongst a mile of other changes in my life, one of the second biggest changes has been my weight. For the first time, in a very long time.. I am putting me, first. I decided to make some "changes" in my life after everything happened with my ex. Would you like to guess what that big change has been? Let me give you one hint... skinny? Woah, hold your horses; I'm not skinny, YET! Ever wish you could peer in on someone's life, and see what their life is like? Well, this is your chance. One of the bigger changes on the horizon for me is my weight. It has been 2 weeks, to the day that I have started another "change". I don't want to jinx myself, but for some strange reason.. this time has been so much more.. different. Losing weight has never been my strong suit, I don't really know who's strong suit it would be. Anyhow, 2 weeks ago, I decided to make a chance, and change my life around. I am happy to say, that I am doing FANTASTIC! It's funny, I look back on old photo's from when I was in high school and even childhood. I think, why did I ever feel like I was "fat"? Just because I didn't meet societies expectations of a little skinny minnie, doesn't mean I was ever unhealthy. We are so hard on ourselves growing up, that we never get to experience loving our bodies. I am on a mission though! For once in my life, I want to love my body. I want to love who I am as a person; embrace every single part of me - even my Lupus! Like i said before.. change can be a really scary thing, but.. it can also be pretty amazing. Take it from me :)

(You can expect a before and after picture in the next little while.. I am going to be documenting my weight loss, and life gain journey.)

Until next time,
xo

It's Going to be Worth it..

What a month this has been! I never quite grasped how fast and drastic life could change, in such a short period of time. I have experienced so many changes in the last few weeks, I don't really know where to begin. I was never someone who welcomed change too well; the thought actually freaks me out. Blame that on a childhood filled with unwelcome change, perhaps? Change was never a good thing when I was little.. it usually meant I had to get used to losing someone, and never getting them back. We're programmed to fear change, in every aspect of our life. As I get older, I've kind of learned to embrace change. Trust me though, that state of mind didn't happen overnight.

When the reality I had built for myself, began to crumble in front of me - i got scared. This so called "expectation" that society holds on us was the little devil on my shoulder telling me not to back out. I thought I had it all, maybe a part of me was convinced that it wasn't right. They usually say, if it aint broke; don't fix it? "They".. who are "they" anyways? Well, in my case.. it was broke. I was in a relationship with a man i thought I was going to marry. He was my first, for everything. Maybe firsts are just that. Maybe they're not meant to be anything more. They teach you things about yourself; what you want, and what you don't. Regardless.. the big guy upstairs had bigger plans for me. I'm not going to say it's been easy, because it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do (besides losing my nana and papa). At the beginning, I doubted my decision. The little guy on my shoulder kept telling me to run back to him.. but deep down, this time was different. I have so much to offer the world, and for the first time in a long time.. I feel like there is a man out there, that will appreciate me for me. I heard a quote this week that really resonated with me.. look for someone to complement you, not complete you. I am my own person, and I deserve to live my life as such. I don't want to be someone's other half, I don't even want to be someone's everything. I want to find the one person in the world that fits me. I never quite understood the saying "they fit like a glove". I know I used to say it a lot about my nana and papa jack's love, but until now - i never quite understood the meaning.

Don't be fooled. Although I have my moments of weakness, where I break down and cry; i know that everything I am going through will be worth it. The pain, the tears, the heartache - it will all be worth it. I am so looking forward to starting that new page in my life. The page where I get to be a wife, and a mother, and my husbands best friend. I don't quite know who that might be right now but I know that when I am starring my little family in the eye, I will remind myself that by gosh, it was worth it!!

Until next time..
xo