Gynocolo-what!

Hi friends! I'm sad to say that this is going to be a rather short blog post as I don't have the energy (at least not at this moment) to go into full blogging mode. Maybe it's because I have barely gotten any sleep in the last few days.. goes to show how it doesn't just effect your pain threshold, it effects every aspect of your life.
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I went to my gyno today, to have a pre-surgery chat and get my surgery date. *shivering in my nighty*. So, here it is folks! My surgery date was supposed to be scheduled for September 2nd but because I am in baltimore with my mom we had to pass on that date (we have already paid for our tickets). The next available surgery date was September 30th, however she wants to get me in much sooner than that.. I'm being put on the cancellation list so the next close available date will be mine. We talked about what to expect before, during, and after surgery.. I will be admitted in the night before, so that my doctors can monitor my lupus for any flares, fevers, and blood pressure episodes. Next, is surgery day. She said that this time around she will have to go right to a laporotomy.. forget about that laporoscopy! She told me to expect staying in the hospital for a little while which is what it is.

In the meantime though, she is sending me to an Inernest to help us for the actual day of the surgery. He will be there as the primary caregiver for my lupus during surgery. We're going to build an action plan with him, and do the pre-op closer to the surgery. We discussed all of my symptoms and she examined my abdomen to check for any ascites. Good news is, there is no ascites (at least not when she checked me). She did however, notice some fluid retention which is probably caused by everything going on. I was put on a diuretic between now and surgery to try and help with the uncomfortable bloating and such. I was also given a sleeping aid considering how awful my sleeping habits have been lately.. with me being in so much pain at night, and unable to get comfortable we both thought it would be a good idea to give me some good rest. Finally, an antibiotic ointment for the glands in my pelvis.. she wants to make sure that they dont get infected and grow an abscess between now and surgery. Come the day of my surgery, she will go ahead and drain all of my glands from any fluid.

Overall, it was a good appointment! Anywho, I have to get to bed.. I am exhausted. Hopefully i can give you guys a better blog tomorrow night!

Sleep tight everyone xx

Until next time,
xo

Little Pink&Blue Footsteps ♥

With all of the uncertainty going on in my life right now, I needed something to hold on to. It can be a pretty lonely place you know, thinking that all the dreams you've ever had could be taken away in an instance. I was having a particularly low moment today while I was waiting for my mom to finish work. It didn't make sense for me to go home for an 30 minutes, and then drive all the way back. So, I made best of the time that I had and experienced a lot of clarity throughout all of the uncertainty. I have always wanted to be a mom, from the time I could walk and talk, I knew that's what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't want to be just any mom either, I wanted to be involved in my kids lives, I wanted them to learn things from me, and take memories that would last a lifetime. We all have our talents, some play amazing music, some enjoy theatre and singing, for me though.. being a mom has always been my number one priority. If I only ever raised my children and had a beautiful marriage; my life would be complete. Why is it that the people who want it the most, have the hardest time achieving it? My doctor always told me, look at it this way.. if you have to work really really hard at it, it would mean much more to you than someone who can "just get pregnant". You would never take your children for granted, a single day in your life. I really loved the way she turned it around for me.. it gave me hope for the future. I would rather have to work hard to become a mom, then to just be "given it".. That was, 3 years ago.. crazy long ago! A lot has changed.. yet a lot has also stayed the same. Today, while waiting for my mom.. I decided to go into the gift shop at the hospital she works at. i was immediately drawn to all of the baby stuff.. there was tons of beautiful things. After looking around the shop, passing the area that sells all of the cancer gear.. a little fire was lit in my heart.. a fire of strength, courage, and the will to survive. I decided to pick out a few baby things, and purchased them for myself. No matter what happens with this surgery, whether it's just a tumor that needs to be taken out or it's cancer and i have to get a total hysterectomy, either way.. those little booties at that little hat will give me the strength and the motivation to continue on.. it will remind me that no matter what happens, it WILL happen for me.. I will not give up, and I will continue to fight until my dream of being a mom comes true..

to my future babies.. I hope you know how much mommy wanted you in her life; you are the reason i continue to wake up each day. Mommy loves you.

Until next time,
xo

A very scary possibility...

What a day! Never mind the day, the day was good.. what i should be saying is, what a day living with this ';two-ma;'. I think up to now, I've been dealing with this whole thing pretty well. I mean, i have my days but who doesn't! You guys all know that I have been freaking out over this surgery for quite some time. Not so much the surgery itself but more the "what could happen" while i'm asleep.. Due to the fact that I am considered a "high-risk" patient because of my lupus kind of freaks me out a little bit.. To be honest, I let it get the best of me for quite a few weeks. Now, though; the closer we get to surgery time, the thought of what will happen during surgery doesn't necessarily scare me as much. It's what might happen AFTER surgery that has been occupying my mind. When you have a doctor tell you that there could be even a slight chance of your tumors being malignant, you start to think about the things that are important to you.. was that donut i wanted to eat during the day so bad after all? Instead of taking the highway home to get there quicker, maybe i should have taken the back roads and take in the drive like i usually do. It's crazy what we think about when we're forced to re-evaluate our mortality. I have had this happen before.. where a radiologist thinks i have cancer but everything is clear on the biopsy. The only thing that scares me this time around is all of the changes that I've seen in my body; changes that I've never experienced before with any of my other tumors. I guess the moral of the story is, enjoy the second, minutes, and hours in your life today.. kiss your babies more than usual, treat yourself to that yummy donut you've been eyeing for weeks. Life is so damn short and I know I've said it before, but it's really beginning to show meaning now. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, so for right now.. I'm going to embrace the fact that I DON'T have a cancer diagnosis.. not yet at least.. I am enjoying this month the way I want to enjoy it.. because, come next month.. my life could change forever...


Until next time,
xo

I Don't Want To Close My Eyes

Have you ever heard those sappy love songs from the 80's and 90's that we all say we hate but secretly love. You hear it time and time again; "I don't want to close my eyes" but you don't fully know what it means. I was laying in bed thinking about a certain someone and it kind of hit me. I know what they are talking about.. if I ever had the chance to be with him, I wouldn't want to close my eyes for a second.. afraid that if you blink, it could all be taken away. That's our biggest fear, right? Being alone? Wrong! At least not for me.. my biggest fear is making a commitment to someone that I know I don't have a connection with. I'm almost relieved that things ended between my fiance and I. Before you think to yourself "that's a harsh thing to say about someone you were engaged to" trust me, I know. You see.. there is a difference between a marriage of convenience and a marriage of love and connection. I don't believe in fairytales, I'm not naive. I know that people fight, I know that no relationship or marriage is easy but I've had a glimpse of what a true connection is; he probably doesn't even know i exist which is the sad part. You know that feeling you get, when you lay in bed and feel warm and comforted just by thinking about that person.. when your heart skips a beat just by hearing his voice. I can guarantee you, that if i married my fiance - i could predict where we would be in 10 years. He would be going to work early in the AM, i would go to work, drop the kids off at the babysitters or daycare, come home from work, make dinner, he would come home, we would bathe the kids, then by the end of the night we would both be way too tired to even enjoy eachother's company. We would never travel, or see the world. We would never try new foods, we wouldn't even fight because at the end of the day we are both too tired to even bother on a marriage that doesn't even work anymore... This time away from dating, and being in love has been so inspiring and has really taught me so much about myself. Take food for instance, I hate plain pizza! I have been "so and so's" girlfriend for so long that I lost who I really was.. I love thin crust pizza, with cheese and spinach and yummy goodness! I hate staying inside, something I had gotten so used to over the years.. I love breathing in the fresh air, and being around people.. As much as i thought i wasn't a very sexual person... god, am i ever. I want to fight with my husband until we rip each other's clothes off because we are so crazy about each other.. I want GREAT make up sex! I want to touch him, without it always leading to sex. I want to take drives through the country and enjoy eachother's conversation. There are so many things that I have been missing out on. I know that the thought of letting go of a relationship or marriage is a hard pill to swallow. No one wants to admit that they are no longer happy.. It took me a while to realize that wasn't the life that i wanted, BUT I am telling you.. once you let go; as hard as it will be in the beginning (because it's very hard), the end result will be SO worth it. I have never felt so empowered to take on the world! The minute I recover from surgery, I am volunteering at the hospital, to get some experience in for when I finish school. I want to help kids, I want to help people. I am more passionate about life now, than ever before.

There's no such thing as a perfect life, i know this. Let me tell you though, you are so worth every ounce of happiness that this world has to offer. You deserve someone who knows your down, without even looking at you.. there is a connection that I always talk about.. unless you have felt it, there is no way to possibly understand what you're missing out on. You deserve to be given an amazing back massage after a long day at work, or random kisses on the neck to show that you are cared for and protected. Every single person on this earth deserves that, and it's sad that there are a lot of people out there in a relationship or marriage don't even remember what it feels like to be touched.. really, touched. It's amazing what illness can teach someone; i know that life is so much more precious than you would ever imagine. People might wonder, why did you even say yes to a proposal? Honestly, I was comfortable. As a society, we are taught that happiness is what you make of it. Wrong, happiness is SO much more than what we make of it. You deserve to be everything BUT comfortable. My life became a routine, I was not living.. I know that cinderella and beauty and the beast are just fairytales.. but behind all of those stories is a message.. at the end of the day, we have a choice.. choose to be happy, as hard as it may be. Somewhere, in this great big world.. your happiness is waiting! I keep thinking about how happy I could make this person. At the end of the day, though.. I have to trust that if any of it is meant to be.. it will be. Me of all people know that life is full of hardships, and roller coasters. One thing I do know, is that there is so much I have to offer to the world and.. SO DO YOU!

I want to find someone who I can spend my Sunday mornings with, laying in bed.. holding each other. I want someone who I am so intimately connected with, that I can take baths with and drink wine.. I want us to read our own separate books before bed, and instead of having the tv on at night, I want to lay on the couch and enjoy each others company.. I want to go to the farmers market on a Saturday morning, and cook dinner together with at night. I want a partner in life - I don't want to find someone to complete me, I want to find someone that compliments me. I want to rub your back when you're tired and stressed, or run my nails across your head to relieve tension. I want to have a family, kids that enjoy spending time with their mom and dad. I want to take family trips, and make memories.. maybe take a few pictures along the way. I want to make my husband and kids breakfast in the morning, and rush them to school because the alarm didn't go off.. i want to help their tummy aches, and kiss their scrapes and bruises.. I want to decorate the house as a family for all of the exciting holidays. Most of all though, I'm ready to love again..

Before I say goodnight, I want to leave you with one more thought.. at the end of your life, when you're on your death bed; all those materialistic things will mean nothing.. the long hours at work, the expensive car and the big house.. none of that means anything. Those things, you will not remember.. it's the moments you create with the ones you love that you will remember and take with you.. There will come a time that you will have to look back on your life...... make sure it's worth watching <3

Whoever is upstairs, and answers all the prayers.. please take mine with great consideration. This could really be a good life!!

Until next time
xo

Rough. Day.

I wish today could have been easier, but maybe to some, my life is easier. There are people out there that are struggling for their next breath, or struggling to stay alive. In the grand scheme of things; i have it pretty good. Incase you haven't noticed, we're all dealing with something. I think I'm still allowed to have my own struggles, regardless of what the next person may be going through. If that were the case, we would never allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve, or to feel pain because somewhere out there - someone is suffering more. I may not have cancer, or a ventilator to help me breathe but for right now - i'm going to allow myself this second of self-pity. I don't know what it's like to go through chemotherapy, and maybe (hopefully not) I might have to. For right now though, this is my own personal struggle; living with a disease that takes no prisoners, trying to go through day to day life with a tumor the size of a football in my pelvis. I'm not going to pretend to be some sort of hero and say that I never complain, because i do. I think when God (or whichever you believe in) gives you a tough pill to swallow; you deserve a moment to feel sorry for yourself. For the last 7 years, this is all I have known so yeah, it does get to be a little too much. I try every day to be a good person, and do good things; make a difference in the world - you know? Most days, I will wake up with a smile on my face, regardless of the struggles that are presenting themselves that day. Life can be beautiful, and that's what I usually try to make it. However, not every day is cream coloured ponies and warm apple strudels. Doorbells and sleigh bells with snitchel and noodles! Somtimes, I want my damn pie and I want to eat it too!! I know life isn't perfect, and although I try to stay optimistic.. some days.. are just plain ROUGH! To all of the people in the world who are suffering.. here's to you kid**hugs N kisses**

Until next time...
xo

Don't mind my gland......

Beep, be-beep, beep --- beep! Don't mind this stupid thing. You know, the thing that has been trying to send me signals for the last few weeks. Oh, THAT! Don't mind that. Wanna know the reason for all of this morse code? Blame it on my lymphatic system. We all know what lymph nodes are, RIGHT class? Well, my last MRI showed that a few of my lymph nodes were enlarged. Ok, cool. I wouldn't be able to tell you where my lymph nodes were, even if you pointed to them! Apparently, my body has been trying to send weird signals for the last few weeks and stupid me, didn't even notice them. I was trying to look for the most obvious answer, when.. well, the most obvious answer was staring me right in the face. I don't know for CERTAIN that's what it is.. but I have a pretty good idea of what those masses protruding from my pelvis were. I think I was watching something on the news, 11pm news to be exact.. about a teen in the area who had contracted measles. The doctor that treated him, was talking about the glands in his neck be enlarged and it clicked. Where are all of the glands in the pelvis located? After looking up the lymphatic system on trusty, old' Google.. I found what I had been looking everywhere else for! All of the areas that I've had mass-looking protrusions in, are where the glands in the pelvis are found. Don't ask me what all of this means, because.. I don't really know. What I do know, is that my body is fighting off something! Which would explain my intense fatigue that I've been experiencing these last few weeks. There must be something going on with this tumor for all of my glands and lymph nodes to be enlarged. I'm planning on talking to my doctor at some point today, so hopefully I'll find out what all of this means...

Until next time,
xo

Totally FLIP'D out!!

I did it! I gave in to the hype! I typically don't like to follow the hype of online stuff but this time.. I gave in! On Saturday, after a wonderful meal at Jack Astors - I walked my little hynnie over to Best Buy and made a purchase that I have been debating for at least over a month. I decided to take some time and weigh my options, BUT after a month of relentless nagging at my conscience I decided to take the plunge! Not only do I do alot of travelling, (a trip coming up in just a few weeks time with my mom), I thought it would be an awesome tool to document the next chapters of my life. With surgery coming up, and the recovery process of that.. not to mention, marriage and kids - this seemed like an awesomely justifiable splurge. Not to mention, the smaller GB of Flips start at $ 79.00! I was totally sold. Anywho, just thought I would let y'all know that as soon as I figure out how to work imovie, I will be coming to a computer near you.. in HD!

Until next time,
xo