No, no. no. no. sorry what? no.

I had spent most of my life doing what I want, saying what I want, eating what I want and hearing what I want.. Don't we all, as kids? I think I spent most of my childhood, taking what I had for granted. I was not always the smartest, nor was I the skinniest or the most behaved, I had my fair share of problems. I don't think we realize how good we have it until all of that changes. Maybe were made to feel invinsible at a young age.. I mean, who really wants to teach their kids about all of the horrible things in this world?? Certainly not me! Could you say I was sheltered? Yeah, maybe. Although by no fault than my own. Looking back, I guess I always took the easy way out. Was it because I could.. Who knows, really. I never will know why I did the things that I did as a child, I can only make up for it now, as an adult. Its actually quite funny.. Me, as a wife and a mother! The prospect of it isn't funny, its something I've dreamt of all my life. The idea that I will be a wife and a mother in a few short years ju
st blows my mind. Time feels endless, yet so short all at the same time!

I spent my entire childhood, surrounded by people who a.) Went to school all day every day and never had an absence, and b.) Never had to even think about doctors and tests. From a pretty young age, I think a part of me realized that I was the only one around me getting sick so frequently. It didn't even phase me, even up into my high school years that something was seriously wrong. If you know me, you know I spent most of my childhood school days, making up for missed tests or assignments. To be quite honest.. I really, genuinely thought that I just had bad luck. I guess my point is, we take so many things for granted both young and old.. Not once growing up, or even in high school did I think I would be faced with a life threatening chronic illness... You just don't think about that.. With a new chapter in the near future, I've been thinking about these kinds of things...

Do I shelter my kids from the reality of my disease.. What is the right and the wrong way to do things? As I lay in bed, fighting off a bacterial bronchitis and sinusitis.. With my joints feeling so terrible they could fall off right now! These are the things I think about.. After being yelled at for me being awake at 2:00 in the morning, it is becoming more apparent that the only person here and ready to support me, is me.. Nobody understands what I go through on a daily basis and I guess I shouldn't expect anybody to...

Until next time <3