Autumn Leaves.... not for good!

As I apply my anti-bacterial sanitizer, I am reminded that although it is Fall, beauty comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes - i wouldn't necessarily call bacteria beautiful, but it all depends on the eye of the beholder. As most of you know, Fall is my absolute favorite season of the year.. Warm sweaters, comfy boots, stylish scarves, mittens, and hats... oh, and don't forget the beautiful fall colors, from the leaves to the warm-toned nail polishes. With all of these exciting opportunities, right before the winter months come in, there is one thing, I am also reminded of when the leaves turn beautiful in color; GERMS!!! With summer swiftly turning into cold jacket weather, we must not forget that the school season begins, and with each school year beginning... a new set of germs, bacteria's and viruses are brought into the limelight.

Being someone who has an extremely compromised immune system, I do not take these virus' lightly. I used to look at colds, and cringe.. when you are someone who doesn't get sick very often, a simple seasonal cold can be an annoyance. To someone who suffers from extreme infections from these little old virus', "colds" can be your worst nightmare. People may think I'm anal for being so afraid of people who are sick, but if i wasn't.. these seemingly innocent colds, would land me in the hospital.. which they almost always do.

Every single month, without fail, some sort of little bug decides to attach to me, and wreck havoc on my body. As if I didn't have enough going on, I have to be blessed with these disgusting virus'. The only problem with this equation, is that these virus' land me in the hospital. The last time I caught a really bad virus, I was given the pleasure to spend my day/night in the Emergency room at the Credit Valley Hospital. It was a joy, let me tell you! With a cocktail of IV liquids to keep me hydrated and round the clock medication to take the edge off, I certainly did not appreciate these little germs that decided to move in on me - they had definitely over-stayed their welcome!

I would be lying if i didnt say this whole thing scared me, because it does. Each time my body endures another blow, I get paranoid. The bacteria that I'm currently fighting off has done a lot of harm to my body this time around. It started off with an innocent sore throat, and turned into something much more painful, and much more hard to get rid of. After going to the doctors, i was given a weeks worth of antibiotics, steroidal inhalers and sent on my merry way. With a combination of bronchitis and sinusitis, I was happy to finally be coming to the end of this extra battle. Little did i know, it would only be the beginning.

Tuesday started off, with me feeling a little bit better than the day before. I imagined that the antibiotics were definitely doing their job. The inhalers were opening up my chest, and allowing me the opportunity to know what fresh air felt like again. With swift instructions by the walk-in doctor to return if things did not get better, I thought for sure, I would be coming to the end of this bacteria's course. By Thursday afternoon, I could no longer fight the fact that this was not getting any better.. if anything it was getting worse. I could not eat or drink, for my mouth burned so badly - popsicles became my new best friend. Is it sad to say, that as women, we tend to thrive on being ill? We always look at it as an opportunity to shed some pounds. Too bad dealing with Lupus and PCOS makes for an almost impossible situation to lose weight, it doesn't matter how sick you are!

To make a long story, semi short, Friday night, was not a good night. I ate dinner, as usual, at around 6:00pm. Almost suddenly after finishing dinner, I began to feel as if something was stuck in my stomach and throat. Had I not been able to get my food down or was this something else? After over 3 hours of dealing with this annoyance, I began feeling sick to my stomach. After trying to vomit, I quickly began to see that this was going to be another night, I would not soon forget. I began dry-heaving, with my mom on the phone with Telehealth Ontario. They have really become our source of information throughout all of this, I don't know what i would do without them. I began dry heaving what seemed to look like mucus from my lungs.. the more it began happening, the more apparent it became that this was not just mucus from my lungs, there was blood. I immediately began to freak out, and play the why me card.. why, after all these years of suffering.. why. My saliva, yet again, began to become thick, and sticky; this is definitely not the first time this has happened. Like the speed of light, we turned into fast mode. Having done this before, my mom grabbed the benadryl to try and relax my breathing, my dad grabbed the ice chips and my mom began checking my blood pressure and heart rate. 65/51 with a heart rate of 60. For someone who used to have high blood pressure, this can be very concerning. Immediately, she tried again; 165/151 with a heart rate of 130... something was not right. It is during times such as these, that I get scared. I try not to let this disease scare me, and what it is capable of doing but when something like this happens, i get scared for my life, and for my family.

As much as I love the fall months, they also scare me. It has become apparent to all of us here, that preventative precautions must be taken to keep me as healthy as possible. My mom purchased masks a while ago, which i will have to start using regularly. I already carry hand sanitizer in my purse, and in my room. Now, when people decide to come over, they will have to sanitize their hands upon coming in, and if your sick, you have to stay away. I know this may sound rude, or maybe even mean, but I just can't take getting sick anymore. When i get sick, I REALLY get sick.

I hope everyone is doing well, and applying their sanitizer's regularly!

Talk to you soon,

Come rain, or come shine...

Life is beautiful, OR so they say. I have yet to find the silver lining in this beautiful situation called my health. At my age, we should be saying.. with each passing day, our opportunities become endless.. my little motto begins with, each passing day, my opportunities dwindle. Is this some sort of joke? Did the big guy upstairs think it would be funny to play some pranks on us down here? I realize you would like to have a good time.. i would imagine it might get boring up there, but at my expense? Come on!

Listen, I can't complain, i have it pretty good.. I can walk, I can talk, I'm alive. I also know, that I'm not Oprah, and you didn't come to my blog thinking I was so spare me the guilt, and let me vent. My life is anything but a walk in the park.. I guess I make the best of it, given what I know now. When are we really able to give ourselves the luxury of complaining, or feeling sorry for ourselves? There is always someone worse off than us... we would be one big world of Harpo's Angel Network... with hope, and inspiration, and never ending dreams. I have dreams for myself.. I always have. When however, do those dreams feel too far to reach? With my computer battery dying.. I leave you with those words of wisdom. Thanks for tunning in :)

Until next time,

No, no. no. no. sorry what? no.

I had spent most of my life doing what I want, saying what I want, eating what I want and hearing what I want.. Don't we all, as kids? I think I spent most of my childhood, taking what I had for granted. I was not always the smartest, nor was I the skinniest or the most behaved, I had my fair share of problems. I don't think we realize how good we have it until all of that changes. Maybe were made to feel invinsible at a young age.. I mean, who really wants to teach their kids about all of the horrible things in this world?? Certainly not me! Could you say I was sheltered? Yeah, maybe. Although by no fault than my own. Looking back, I guess I always took the easy way out. Was it because I could.. Who knows, really. I never will know why I did the things that I did as a child, I can only make up for it now, as an adult. Its actually quite funny.. Me, as a wife and a mother! The prospect of it isn't funny, its something I've dreamt of all my life. The idea that I will be a wife and a mother in a few short years ju
st blows my mind. Time feels endless, yet so short all at the same time!

I spent my entire childhood, surrounded by people who a.) Went to school all day every day and never had an absence, and b.) Never had to even think about doctors and tests. From a pretty young age, I think a part of me realized that I was the only one around me getting sick so frequently. It didn't even phase me, even up into my high school years that something was seriously wrong. If you know me, you know I spent most of my childhood school days, making up for missed tests or assignments. To be quite honest.. I really, genuinely thought that I just had bad luck. I guess my point is, we take so many things for granted both young and old.. Not once growing up, or even in high school did I think I would be faced with a life threatening chronic illness... You just don't think about that.. With a new chapter in the near future, I've been thinking about these kinds of things...

Do I shelter my kids from the reality of my disease.. What is the right and the wrong way to do things? As I lay in bed, fighting off a bacterial bronchitis and sinusitis.. With my joints feeling so terrible they could fall off right now! These are the things I think about.. After being yelled at for me being awake at 2:00 in the morning, it is becoming more apparent that the only person here and ready to support me, is me.. Nobody understands what I go through on a daily basis and I guess I shouldn't expect anybody to...

Until next time <3

Why, oh why!

Where do i begin? 'stares blankly at her wall.. my night couldn't have had any more problems, even if i wanted it to. Now I know why I barely take any time on my hair! You know when something bad happens, and after a certain amount of time between the incident and the next time you try something - you oddly forget how awful the incident was. Does that make any sense or am i just talking jibberish?? Regardless, let me get to my point. I am someone who likes the little things in life; doing my nails different colors, straightening my hair, doing my makeup.. it may be superficial and a tad materialistic but there is a difference between wanting these things in my routine, and needing them. If i need to, and when i want to, i can go without all of these things. One thing I have realized throughout this painful journey of dealing with a chronic illness, is that there is so much pain and darkness, you MUST do things to make yourself feel better. Does that mean everything has to be prim and proper all the time? No, of course not! It just means I enjoy taking care of myself; it helps me put the agonizing pain, in the back of my mind.

Well, although I take deep pride in taking care of myself, I have to be honest with you; i let myself go. This last week and a bit, I have been in such a rut, I completely let myself spiral down. Not only have i been getting sick with yet another virus, my joints and back have been horrible.. So, let me paint a not so pretty picture for you. I love to take baths every night before bed, it helps calm me down, it relaxes my muscles, and it helps with inflammation. My hands are getting to be so bad, that whenever i go to brush my hair in the shower with conditioner, my hands and fingers swell up immediately. The simple action of brushing my hair, causes a great deal of pain for me. Due to the fact that I hadn't taken care of my hair this week... and lets be honest - we've all done it! I had huge nots in my hair. I have a ton of curls, which could be the reason why.. either way, getting them out was horrible! I stupidly, decided to dye my hair tonight, in preparation for fall. Not only was that a job on its own, taking care of the after effects of it were agonizing. To add ontop of the stupidity, i decided to straighten my hair, another horrible choice on my part! Sure, I look better, and I guess I feel better emotionally but my fingers are ready to fall off.. I don't know what I'm going to do with this tired old body but it's shutting down... slowly, but surely.

I hope everyone had a wonderful first week back at school or work :)

Lots of love,

Love it or Leave it

I don't know what the heck happened this past week and a half but let me tell you, it would be a week that I wouldn't mind forgetting. Every time I go through a rough patch, I think to myself "this is THE worst day, ever. How could it possibly get any worse????" Oh, it can. I've spent many hours, trying to figure out where or when i went wrong. Maybe, if I stopped cracking my knuckles at 13, I wouldn't be in this much pain now. Maybe, if i worse my slippers on cold floors like my grandma says to do, maybe I wouldn't be tortured with pain every single day; all things that, deep down, I know is not true but deep down, I can't help but blame myself. Do you know what it feels like, to wear a studded jacket? A jacket filled with sharps nails embedded within it.... Well, I do - I felt it today.

With my dad redoing my bedroom, my parents thought it would be the most opportune time to see how much it would cost us to purchase a new bedroom set. I felt so horribly sick today, that I took advantage of the lonely wheelchair sitting outside The Brick. My dad had fun pushing me around, while we tried to look for my future bedroom. With only 10 minutes until close, we narrowed it down to a few. I was not in the best of moods to be shopping around for something so expensive, but I went with the flow because what other choice did i have. We could have come back another day, but what would I be doing at home? Probably laying in bed, with no fresh air, and no company.

Do I always want to go somewhere, and leave the comfort of my home and bed?? No, not really. The only justification i can make, is that I'm not alone if I go with my family. It doesn't matter what we are doing, whether we are redoing my bedroom, or laying on the couch.. the pain is always there, it always follows me. Just because, I choose to have a little change of scenery, doesn't mean that I'm magically all better. We're all fighting some sort of battle, remember that.

Talk soon :)