Surgery... WHAT!

{I could not find anything in direct size to my tumor but here is an example of a 5cm tumor.. picture 3 of these together. Fun, right? (not) }

You guessed it, folks! I am FINALLY getting this darn thing out.. It has been 8 months (9 once surgery roles around) since this stupid tumor was found. Why did it take so long you ask? Blame it on our sucky healthcare. I shouldn't be complaining, I know how much harder people in the states have it with no free health care. I just find it hard to believe that our healthcare today takes almost a year for a 22 year old girl with an almost 14cm tumor on her right ovary to get removed. Thank god for my amazing gynaecologist! The same one that believed for years that I was suffering from Lupus. She was actually the one that rallied behind me and my mom and referred me to the rheumatologist I have now. I am so blessed to have found such an amazing doctor, and even more blessed that this stupid tumor is not malignant!! This surgery kind of signifies a fresh start for me.. a new journey that I am so excited to begin :D I know this is a short blog, BUT are you curious to know how large 14cm's is? Take a look at the picture above! Right!! No wonder I've been having such a hard time going to the bathroom.. Have a wonderful week, everyone <3

Until next time,
xo

VERY BERRY!

Sticking with the, lets take care of our body theme - I have decided to give you guys a really quick, and simple recipe on how to prepare a nutritious and healthy start or end to any day! This recipe would almost seem too simple to warrant a recipe but I know that when I first started this journey 3 weeks ago, the eating healthy task seemed daunting. I hope you all try this at home, it is such a refreshing, simple treat!


Tools Needed:
1.) 1 large spoon & knife
2.) Blender or Food Processor
3.) 1 Large Glass


Ingredients:
1.) 1 cup of strawberries
2.) 1/4 cup of blueberries
3.) 4 large tablespoons of vanilla yogurt or 1 serving of yogurt cup (or as desired)
4.) 1 tsp of vanilla extract (you may substitute for 1 small pack of crystal light powder of your choice)
5.) 3/4 cup of ice cubs (or as desired)
6.) 1 large banana
7.) I also like to add about 1/4 cup of lactose free milk (I am lactose intolerant)

***Now, all you have to do is BLEND and ENJOY!***

I hope you will all try this at home! I absolutely love making one of these in the morning with or as my breakfast. If I want to get a double serving of my fruits, I might even make it again at night as a tasty little treat after dinner :) YUM!

Absolutely, pooped!

This is not exactly the kind of blog that I wanted to proceed after my tribute to my dear childhood friend. I always promised myself that I would tell you how it truly is; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It has been almost 9 months since this stupid tumor was found. I can't exactly say I've been loving it, but it hasn't necessarily "cramped my style" however kids today say it. It's funny how during your school years, you always seem to be in the know. Every word in the english dictionary can be said in some "cool" way. At least until an adult tries to say it. Then.. it's the lamest word in the english language. Anyways, this blog isn't about school nor is it about how to be cool in an ever expanding generation of tech-savy young kids. This blog post, is exactly as the title describes it..

Dealing with pain is something I've gotten good at over the years. Blame it on the meds that help me fight the pain, or blame it on a strong-willed personality, not willing to give up. Whichever way you look at, I know what it's like to live every second of your day in pain. Granted, my tumor has doubled in size since it was first found.. life has been pretty good up until this last month. It seems like my last menstrual cycle (which may I add is far and few between. I'm talking like, 3-4 times a year.. if that) was what started this whole series of progressive events. I dealt with the bloating well enough, knowing what times of day were worse than others. The actual pain I would feel was minimal due to the pain meds I have been on. I don't want to necessarily say it's been smooth sailing these last 9 months, but it's been bearable. I know this is probably TMI *too much information*, again with the "cool" lesson...This is what you signed up for though.. I'm honest in every aspect of my life, why wouldn't i be when it comes to my life blog.. my last menstrual cycle was horrible. For those of you who have had kids, save it. I know childbirth is horrible, and one day (hopefully) god permitting, I will get to experience it but for now, this is all I have to compare to. Think about how you contract during labor. Well, that's what my weekend looked like a few weeks ago. My lower pelvis, and lower abdomen were actually contracting and hardening. There are a few theories as to why my body would be contracting, while not being pregnant. My GYN (the one that will be performing my surgery in September) thinks it could be my body trying to contract the mass out, which makes sense. It's a foreign object in my abdomen, I don't blame it for wanting to push it out.. I hate it, and I'm not a confined uterus.

Fast-forward a few weeks, and here we are. If I don't remain constant with taking my pain meds, I end up suffering pretty heavily during the day. My lupus is aggravated, and doing a whole bunch of stupid things. I've had a fever pretty much every day for the last little while (which totally effects your day, can i say!). Not to mention, my lower abdomen/pelvis feeling like it's been hit with a baseball bat several times. I know, I know.. I sound like I'm complaining. I'm really not. This is just my safe haven to vent, my frustrations, my smiles, and my tears. To get back to the purpose of this post, before I go off on a totally random rant. My bowels are taking a real beat up by this stupid thing, it's really beginning to take up room in me.. I'm finding I feel nauseous quite easily after eating a meal (which helps with the weight loss journey, i guess). Regardless, my bowels are really fighting back. I have been absolutely, pooped! (No pun intended).. A few days ago, I started having a really hard time going to the bathroom. The amount of pressure I feel in my pelvis whenever I need to have bowel movement is absolutely awful. By this evening, I have ceased being able to even go. Docusate? Yes please! It's right beside my bed, I plan on taking some before I go to sleep. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad.. I do get a laugh out of myself every once in a while. It's just hard to be 9 months in with an almost 14 cm mass off of ONE ovary. It's like, one boob being bigger than the other.. I mean, there's fare, and there's.. god, seriously? I've also started to notice the right side of my pelvis has begun to bulge out.. it's about the size of two pennies but it's definitely visible. I talked to my GYN and asked her if she thought it was the mass beginning to bulge and become visible (which would make sense.. when something gets too big, it has nowhere else to go but out) To be quite honest, it kind of scared me. For the last 9 months, I have been able to feel my mass in my abdomen but it wasn't until this incident that I've really been able to see it.. not exactly something someone wants to witness, especially at 22.

What a journey! At least I can say it's never a dull moment at my house!! Ever get bored in your life? Feel free to live mine for a day! Anywho, it's late and I need to start winding down for the night.. youtube, here i come!

Until next time,
xo

Rest in Peace, old friend.

Remember when I said, change is good. Well, let me correct myself. "Most" change is good, not all. What does it usually take for someone to re-assess their life, and what it's worth? I know you've heard it before.. Life is precious, don't waste a single second if it. You look back on life, and you see a small glimpse of your childhood. The snippet in time that will forever be engraved in your memory. The first memory that comes to mind, is of a loyal friend who I can't say I knew as an adult, but as a child; we were all dear friends.

Over the Canada Day weekend, a childhood friend of mine passed away in a tragic accident in cottage country. The first memory that comes to mind of her, was a sleepover that 5 of us had at a mutual friends house. I remember pulling an all-nighter that night, because we were all too scared to fall asleep in the dark. We had just performed what we thought was a seance, you know how kids are. The night was filled with laughter, and tears, and memories that I have remembered 15 years later.

I wanted to pay tribute to her. Even though I did not know her as a young adult, I will always remember the friendship we had as children... Rest in peace Nadia. May your angels lead you home...

Until next time,
xo

Change on the Horizon

Amongst a mile of other changes in my life, one of the second biggest changes has been my weight. For the first time, in a very long time.. I am putting me, first. I decided to make some "changes" in my life after everything happened with my ex. Would you like to guess what that big change has been? Let me give you one hint... skinny? Woah, hold your horses; I'm not skinny, YET! Ever wish you could peer in on someone's life, and see what their life is like? Well, this is your chance. One of the bigger changes on the horizon for me is my weight. It has been 2 weeks, to the day that I have started another "change". I don't want to jinx myself, but for some strange reason.. this time has been so much more.. different. Losing weight has never been my strong suit, I don't really know who's strong suit it would be. Anyhow, 2 weeks ago, I decided to make a chance, and change my life around. I am happy to say, that I am doing FANTASTIC! It's funny, I look back on old photo's from when I was in high school and even childhood. I think, why did I ever feel like I was "fat"? Just because I didn't meet societies expectations of a little skinny minnie, doesn't mean I was ever unhealthy. We are so hard on ourselves growing up, that we never get to experience loving our bodies. I am on a mission though! For once in my life, I want to love my body. I want to love who I am as a person; embrace every single part of me - even my Lupus! Like i said before.. change can be a really scary thing, but.. it can also be pretty amazing. Take it from me :)

(You can expect a before and after picture in the next little while.. I am going to be documenting my weight loss, and life gain journey.)

Until next time,
xo

It's Going to be Worth it..

What a month this has been! I never quite grasped how fast and drastic life could change, in such a short period of time. I have experienced so many changes in the last few weeks, I don't really know where to begin. I was never someone who welcomed change too well; the thought actually freaks me out. Blame that on a childhood filled with unwelcome change, perhaps? Change was never a good thing when I was little.. it usually meant I had to get used to losing someone, and never getting them back. We're programmed to fear change, in every aspect of our life. As I get older, I've kind of learned to embrace change. Trust me though, that state of mind didn't happen overnight.

When the reality I had built for myself, began to crumble in front of me - i got scared. This so called "expectation" that society holds on us was the little devil on my shoulder telling me not to back out. I thought I had it all, maybe a part of me was convinced that it wasn't right. They usually say, if it aint broke; don't fix it? "They".. who are "they" anyways? Well, in my case.. it was broke. I was in a relationship with a man i thought I was going to marry. He was my first, for everything. Maybe firsts are just that. Maybe they're not meant to be anything more. They teach you things about yourself; what you want, and what you don't. Regardless.. the big guy upstairs had bigger plans for me. I'm not going to say it's been easy, because it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do (besides losing my nana and papa). At the beginning, I doubted my decision. The little guy on my shoulder kept telling me to run back to him.. but deep down, this time was different. I have so much to offer the world, and for the first time in a long time.. I feel like there is a man out there, that will appreciate me for me. I heard a quote this week that really resonated with me.. look for someone to complement you, not complete you. I am my own person, and I deserve to live my life as such. I don't want to be someone's other half, I don't even want to be someone's everything. I want to find the one person in the world that fits me. I never quite understood the saying "they fit like a glove". I know I used to say it a lot about my nana and papa jack's love, but until now - i never quite understood the meaning.

Don't be fooled. Although I have my moments of weakness, where I break down and cry; i know that everything I am going through will be worth it. The pain, the tears, the heartache - it will all be worth it. I am so looking forward to starting that new page in my life. The page where I get to be a wife, and a mother, and my husbands best friend. I don't quite know who that might be right now but I know that when I am starring my little family in the eye, I will remind myself that by gosh, it was worth it!!

Until next time..
xo

Life isn't always as it seems..

It's been a few months since my last post, I don't really have an excuse. I wish I did. A lot has happened, and a lot has been erased. Don't let the smile fool you. To be quite honest, these last few weeks have kind of been a haze - I can't say I've been entirely present through it all. I had my struggles.. I'm human. After being diagnosed in January with Lupus, and than have it taken away a month later - my mind was all over the place. I was once again, lost and confused. It is now July 1st @ 1:02am, and with a positive antibody, and an antibody resembling the antinuclear, it has now settled that I do in fact have Lupus.

Not only has these last few weeks been life changing where my health is concerned, it has also been life changing in all other aspects. Before I start to tell you about my sad sob story, I want you all to take something away from this. Please. At the beginning of June, my boyfriend of 4 years "proposed" to me. Oh yes, so beautiful. I want you all to know, that the little inner conscience that sits on your shoulder... at times.. listen to it. Of course, I was thrilled that I was finally going to be a bride (something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl). Did I want to do it.. at the time, yes. There was something on the inside though, deep at the pit of my heart that told me this wasn't right. I justified my feelings, telling myself that nothing in life is ever perfect and what I'm feeling is normal. Turns out, what I was feeling... was my heart telling me this wasn't right. I will not go into too much detail, because I don't think it's anyone's business but what I will say is that my fiance and I are no longer together. It took a hell of a lot of strength to get through those few nights without him. After being with someone as long as I had, you learn to live with those little "ticks" that used to bother you. I was used to sleeping next to him, having someone to hold at night, someone to talk to.

Well, a few weeks later and I am coming along. It's amazing what time apart from someone does. I have learned so much about myself; what I want, and what I don't want. I think deep down, I always knew that it wasn't right but i kept with what felt familiar to me. I deserved better. I'm not going to lie.. it's been hard. But what I will tell you, is that I have learned SO much about myself... this person, I missed so much.. I missed being me.

It almost feels like everything is finally coming into place. My surgery was booked for the beginning of Sept to take out this stupid tumor. I can't wait to start living my life, the way I want to. I want to travel, I want to be active, I want to lose weight, I want to finish my degree, I want to fall in love. There are so many huge steps on my horizon, and I am so excited that I can say I will do it on my own. I have already begun in my journey.. I have been working out, eating healthy, working on my school work..... AND, I have also started dating! I am so happy with the person I am right now, and the person I will soon become. This is my second chance at happy, and I'm not going to waste a minute of it.

I signed up for a very different journey than the one that has been presented to me BUT, I am going to do this! I am going to REALLY live.. something I haven't done in years. Although this blog was going to be about my journey with Lupus, I've decided to add a personal spin to it. Follow me through the daunting first dates, and coping with Lupus under stress.. follow me through the weeks leading up to, and after my surgery... This isn't exactly what I expected but I'm ready, life..... HERE I COME!

HELLO WORLD!!!!

Until next time,

Steph