Rest in Peace, old friend.

Remember when I said, change is good. Well, let me correct myself. "Most" change is good, not all. What does it usually take for someone to re-assess their life, and what it's worth? I know you've heard it before.. Life is precious, don't waste a single second if it. You look back on life, and you see a small glimpse of your childhood. The snippet in time that will forever be engraved in your memory. The first memory that comes to mind, is of a loyal friend who I can't say I knew as an adult, but as a child; we were all dear friends.

Over the Canada Day weekend, a childhood friend of mine passed away in a tragic accident in cottage country. The first memory that comes to mind of her, was a sleepover that 5 of us had at a mutual friends house. I remember pulling an all-nighter that night, because we were all too scared to fall asleep in the dark. We had just performed what we thought was a seance, you know how kids are. The night was filled with laughter, and tears, and memories that I have remembered 15 years later.

I wanted to pay tribute to her. Even though I did not know her as a young adult, I will always remember the friendship we had as children... Rest in peace Nadia. May your angels lead you home...

Until next time,
xo

Change on the Horizon

Amongst a mile of other changes in my life, one of the second biggest changes has been my weight. For the first time, in a very long time.. I am putting me, first. I decided to make some "changes" in my life after everything happened with my ex. Would you like to guess what that big change has been? Let me give you one hint... skinny? Woah, hold your horses; I'm not skinny, YET! Ever wish you could peer in on someone's life, and see what their life is like? Well, this is your chance. One of the bigger changes on the horizon for me is my weight. It has been 2 weeks, to the day that I have started another "change". I don't want to jinx myself, but for some strange reason.. this time has been so much more.. different. Losing weight has never been my strong suit, I don't really know who's strong suit it would be. Anyhow, 2 weeks ago, I decided to make a chance, and change my life around. I am happy to say, that I am doing FANTASTIC! It's funny, I look back on old photo's from when I was in high school and even childhood. I think, why did I ever feel like I was "fat"? Just because I didn't meet societies expectations of a little skinny minnie, doesn't mean I was ever unhealthy. We are so hard on ourselves growing up, that we never get to experience loving our bodies. I am on a mission though! For once in my life, I want to love my body. I want to love who I am as a person; embrace every single part of me - even my Lupus! Like i said before.. change can be a really scary thing, but.. it can also be pretty amazing. Take it from me :)

(You can expect a before and after picture in the next little while.. I am going to be documenting my weight loss, and life gain journey.)

Until next time,
xo

It's Going to be Worth it..

What a month this has been! I never quite grasped how fast and drastic life could change, in such a short period of time. I have experienced so many changes in the last few weeks, I don't really know where to begin. I was never someone who welcomed change too well; the thought actually freaks me out. Blame that on a childhood filled with unwelcome change, perhaps? Change was never a good thing when I was little.. it usually meant I had to get used to losing someone, and never getting them back. We're programmed to fear change, in every aspect of our life. As I get older, I've kind of learned to embrace change. Trust me though, that state of mind didn't happen overnight.

When the reality I had built for myself, began to crumble in front of me - i got scared. This so called "expectation" that society holds on us was the little devil on my shoulder telling me not to back out. I thought I had it all, maybe a part of me was convinced that it wasn't right. They usually say, if it aint broke; don't fix it? "They".. who are "they" anyways? Well, in my case.. it was broke. I was in a relationship with a man i thought I was going to marry. He was my first, for everything. Maybe firsts are just that. Maybe they're not meant to be anything more. They teach you things about yourself; what you want, and what you don't. Regardless.. the big guy upstairs had bigger plans for me. I'm not going to say it's been easy, because it has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do (besides losing my nana and papa). At the beginning, I doubted my decision. The little guy on my shoulder kept telling me to run back to him.. but deep down, this time was different. I have so much to offer the world, and for the first time in a long time.. I feel like there is a man out there, that will appreciate me for me. I heard a quote this week that really resonated with me.. look for someone to complement you, not complete you. I am my own person, and I deserve to live my life as such. I don't want to be someone's other half, I don't even want to be someone's everything. I want to find the one person in the world that fits me. I never quite understood the saying "they fit like a glove". I know I used to say it a lot about my nana and papa jack's love, but until now - i never quite understood the meaning.

Don't be fooled. Although I have my moments of weakness, where I break down and cry; i know that everything I am going through will be worth it. The pain, the tears, the heartache - it will all be worth it. I am so looking forward to starting that new page in my life. The page where I get to be a wife, and a mother, and my husbands best friend. I don't quite know who that might be right now but I know that when I am starring my little family in the eye, I will remind myself that by gosh, it was worth it!!

Until next time..
xo

Life isn't always as it seems..

It's been a few months since my last post, I don't really have an excuse. I wish I did. A lot has happened, and a lot has been erased. Don't let the smile fool you. To be quite honest, these last few weeks have kind of been a haze - I can't say I've been entirely present through it all. I had my struggles.. I'm human. After being diagnosed in January with Lupus, and than have it taken away a month later - my mind was all over the place. I was once again, lost and confused. It is now July 1st @ 1:02am, and with a positive antibody, and an antibody resembling the antinuclear, it has now settled that I do in fact have Lupus.

Not only has these last few weeks been life changing where my health is concerned, it has also been life changing in all other aspects. Before I start to tell you about my sad sob story, I want you all to take something away from this. Please. At the beginning of June, my boyfriend of 4 years "proposed" to me. Oh yes, so beautiful. I want you all to know, that the little inner conscience that sits on your shoulder... at times.. listen to it. Of course, I was thrilled that I was finally going to be a bride (something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl). Did I want to do it.. at the time, yes. There was something on the inside though, deep at the pit of my heart that told me this wasn't right. I justified my feelings, telling myself that nothing in life is ever perfect and what I'm feeling is normal. Turns out, what I was feeling... was my heart telling me this wasn't right. I will not go into too much detail, because I don't think it's anyone's business but what I will say is that my fiance and I are no longer together. It took a hell of a lot of strength to get through those few nights without him. After being with someone as long as I had, you learn to live with those little "ticks" that used to bother you. I was used to sleeping next to him, having someone to hold at night, someone to talk to.

Well, a few weeks later and I am coming along. It's amazing what time apart from someone does. I have learned so much about myself; what I want, and what I don't want. I think deep down, I always knew that it wasn't right but i kept with what felt familiar to me. I deserved better. I'm not going to lie.. it's been hard. But what I will tell you, is that I have learned SO much about myself... this person, I missed so much.. I missed being me.

It almost feels like everything is finally coming into place. My surgery was booked for the beginning of Sept to take out this stupid tumor. I can't wait to start living my life, the way I want to. I want to travel, I want to be active, I want to lose weight, I want to finish my degree, I want to fall in love. There are so many huge steps on my horizon, and I am so excited that I can say I will do it on my own. I have already begun in my journey.. I have been working out, eating healthy, working on my school work..... AND, I have also started dating! I am so happy with the person I am right now, and the person I will soon become. This is my second chance at happy, and I'm not going to waste a minute of it.

I signed up for a very different journey than the one that has been presented to me BUT, I am going to do this! I am going to REALLY live.. something I haven't done in years. Although this blog was going to be about my journey with Lupus, I've decided to add a personal spin to it. Follow me through the daunting first dates, and coping with Lupus under stress.. follow me through the weeks leading up to, and after my surgery... This isn't exactly what I expected but I'm ready, life..... HERE I COME!

HELLO WORLD!!!!

Until next time,

Steph

Life as I knew it..

I don't really know where to begin. Some of the most important changes in my life have happened since I last wrote. I began this blog journey as a way to educate others, but I think in the process, I ended up educating myself instead.

The last few years have really been a whirlwind. I would like to believe that I've really found myself in the process. When my health began to go downhill, I think I clung onto something that gave my symptoms a name. We went so long trying to figure out what was wrong with me that the minute my doctors believed it had a name, I hung onto that.

I let my illness ruin my life. That, was all me. I spent years convinced that my illness was keeping me from the life I wanted. The truth is, I was keeping myself from the life that I wanted. I blamed my illness for the reason I didn't want to try working again. I also blamed it for the reason I never wanted to go out. Did I have a good reason to feel the way I did? Of course. Should I have let it run my life? Of course not! Yes, I am in pain - more pain than I have ever been in. The truth is though, I'm done letting whatever I have control my life. I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus in February, to then be told that my Rheumatologist thought I had a rare disease called Vasculitis. An antibody called ANCA was detected in my blood, which then led to a referral to the Vasculitis clinic out of Mount Sinai. I was devastated. I was angry. Those doctors that I trusted so much, let this disease progress. Well, never be surprised by doctors, or your health for that matter. Turns out, the same antibody was tested at St. Mikes, and it came back negative. For weeks, I was scared to death. I have now learned that life can change in an instant. I came home from my initial appointment with the rheumy, feeling blessed that I was finally diagnosed. Now, we are back at square one. I have to go back for bloodwork every 3 months, basically waiting for my ANA to show up positive. I have all the symptoms, and all the signs. Some people, it takes years for antibodies to develop, and for some, the antibodies are there even before the symptoms. Could this be something else? I wouldn't doubt it. We know that whatever this is, it's an autoimmune disease. At this point though, I just need to live my life and forget about all of this until it shows up. I'm tired, and I'm frustrated. I am no longer focusing my life on my health.

The most ironic throughout all of this, gives me one more reason to not trust doctors OR the medical field. I went months, thinking I had a few small cysts on my ovaries, to find out last month that I ACTUALLY have a 13cm dumb-bell shaped mass in my adnexal region. The radiologist believes it looks malignant, however at this point - I think they're all crazy. No offense, but there is no way I am going to begin to worry, it's wasted time. Until they take this thing out, I'm living my life and this, one more thing, will not change my outlook on life. I have an MRI tomorrow at Princess Margaret Hospital. Yes, the leading hospital in Cancer research, gynecological especially. Whatever happens, will happen; me worrying is not going to change it. I mean, look at what 2 years of worrying did to me. Nothing good comes from it. My surgery will most likely be sometimes in May or June, and although I'm not looking forward to it, I've accepted it. I accepted the fact that I will most likely require surgery on my ovaries every few years. My intuition was right; my last surgery was only in 2008. The difference this time around however, is that I'm no longer considered a low-risk case. Due to all of my medical issues, I will now have to be monitored by an anesthesiologist, among other specialists both prior to and during surgery. Risks include, massive stroke during surgery because of my blood pressure. Among the variety of other complications that go along with operating on someone with an autoimmune disease. I have accepted the fact that this mass needs to be removed, and whatever happens - happens. Of course, I'm terrified but what other option do I have?

Well, I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day in the city. I will update again soon.

Bye for now,

xoxo

Sweet Dreams.......

We all have struggles, but it's what we do with those struggles that make us unique. I can't say that I'm all that unique, but I definitely try to hold my own. I've been in some weird health kick lately, you know - actually caring what you put into your body, and recognizing that our bodies need lots of care to function. I don't know how long it will last (a little insight into my life; i tend to start things, and not finish) I'm not necessarily proud of this fact but I mid as well be honest.

There have been a handful of times in life where i have been scared, truly scared. I have been trying not to remind myself that this particular time in my life, I should be scared to death, or scared of death shall I say. I know I mentioned about some stuff going on with my health, other than the obvious. It's strange you know, I know what I want to say but I can't quite bring myself to say it. It's not like movies; emotion, anger, guilt. I feel nothing, I am literally emotionless. I don't know if it's because I'm trying not to think about it, or if it hasn't fully registered yet. I have had my moments, where the world stands still - instances few and far between.

It has been a dark cloud in my family, hovering; a rain storm that just wont pass. Ovarian Cancer.

Yes folks, you heard me right. A few months ago, I started noticing slight changes in regards to a familiar pain that was quite honestly, forgotten. I began noticing changes in my menstrual cycle, along with severe pressure in the pelvic region. Okay, let's not get into too much detail. I mean come on, this is just a blog after all (lol).. Well, to make a long story short. I may have cancer. Even writing it feels foreign to me. I am so used to talking about it, just not for myself. What I thought was a large cyst, turns out I have a mass instead. I have to see an oncologist at the beginning of February. Even though I don't think it is cancer, it still feels weird to say, or even think. Me? cancer? No way. I am 22 years old. How does a 22 year old "possibly" have ovarian cancer? I don't get it. My gynecologist is concerned because of my enlarged liver, I guess it's common in patients with ovarian cancer. Not to mention, the other areas around my ovaries which what they think are cysts. If they can be wrong about a large mass being a cyst, I can't really say I trust that these "cysts" on my ovaries, are actually cysts.

Anywho, it's late and I'm tired. I'm sure I will post another blog soon. Keep you posted.

Until next time...

My Healthcare Binder

Just a tad bit of information for each and every one of you to think about.. I was first introduced to the idea a few years ago upon a repetitive doctors appointment. In Canada, you are legally allowed to your own medical information, including test results and history. Before I became sick, I was unaware of the importance involved with taking charge of your own health care. Most doctors look at a prepared patient, in a better light then one which is not prepared. I had no idea, until i started doing my research. As a Canadian citizen, I am allowed to obtain copies of every single medical test that has ever been preformed on me. With photocopies of all my test results, I have created a binder full of important health related information which I take to all of my specialist appointments. Categorized, I have different sections for each individual issue; test results, symptoms, medications, ect.. I'm not saying it's something all of you have to hurry and run out to do, but it's definitely an idea for each and every one of you to consider. It may not be for everyone but it is definitely a good way to keep track of all your health care information..

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask!

Talk to you soon...