It's been a few months since my last post, I don't really have an excuse. I wish I did. A lot has happened, and a lot has been erased. Don't let the smile fool you. To be quite honest, these last few weeks have kind of been a haze - I can't say I've been entirely present through it all. I had my struggles.. I'm human. After being diagnosed in January with Lupus, and than have it taken away a month later - my mind was all over the place. I was once again, lost and confused. It is now July 1st @ 1:02am, and with a positive antibody, and an antibody resembling the antinuclear, it has now settled that I do in fact have Lupus.
Not only has these last few weeks been life changing where my health is concerned, it has also been life changing in all other aspects. Before I start to tell you about my sad sob story, I want you all to take something away from this. Please. At the beginning of June, my boyfriend of 4 years "proposed" to me. Oh yes, so beautiful. I want you all to know, that the little inner conscience that sits on your shoulder... at times.. listen to it. Of course, I was thrilled that I was finally going to be a bride (something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl). Did I want to do it.. at the time, yes. There was something on the inside though, deep at the pit of my heart that told me this wasn't right. I justified my feelings, telling myself that nothing in life is ever perfect and what I'm feeling is normal. Turns out, what I was feeling... was my heart telling me this wasn't right. I will not go into too much detail, because I don't think it's anyone's business but what I will say is that my fiance and I are no longer together. It took a hell of a lot of strength to get through those few nights without him. After being with someone as long as I had, you learn to live with those little "ticks" that used to bother you. I was used to sleeping next to him, having someone to hold at night, someone to talk to.
Well, a few weeks later and I am coming along. It's amazing what time apart from someone does. I have learned so much about myself; what I want, and what I don't want. I think deep down, I always knew that it wasn't right but i kept with what felt familiar to me. I deserved better. I'm not going to lie.. it's been hard. But what I will tell you, is that I have learned SO much about myself... this person, I missed so much.. I missed being me.
It almost feels like everything is finally coming into place. My surgery was booked for the beginning of Sept to take out this stupid tumor. I can't wait to start living my life, the way I want to. I want to travel, I want to be active, I want to lose weight, I want to finish my degree, I want to fall in love. There are so many huge steps on my horizon, and I am so excited that I can say I will do it on my own. I have already begun in my journey.. I have been working out, eating healthy, working on my school work..... AND, I have also started dating! I am so happy with the person I am right now, and the person I will soon become. This is my second chance at happy, and I'm not going to waste a minute of it.
I signed up for a very different journey than the one that has been presented to me BUT, I am going to do this! I am going to REALLY live.. something I haven't done in years. Although this blog was going to be about my journey with Lupus, I've decided to add a personal spin to it. Follow me through the daunting first dates, and coping with Lupus under stress.. follow me through the weeks leading up to, and after my surgery... This isn't exactly what I expected but I'm ready, life..... HERE I COME!
HELLO WORLD!!!!
Until next time,
Steph
